docbible.net

The Bible and the Book of Mormon

  • Increase font size
  • Default font size
  • Decrease font size
Home Jokes

Jokes 2

E-mail Print PDF
User Rating: / 0
PoorBest 

A small child walked daily to and from school.
Though the weather one
morning was questionable and clouds were
forming, the child made the
daily
trek to the elementary school.  As the day
progressed, the wind whipped up,
along with thunder and lightning.

The mother was worried that her child would be
frightened walking back home
from school, and she herself feared the
electrical storm might harm her
child.  Following the roar of the thunder,
lightning would cut through the
sky like a flaming sword.  Being concerned, the
mother got into her car and
drove along the route to her child's school.

Soon she saw her small child walking along, but
with each flash of
lightning,
the child would stop, look and smile.  One
followed another, each time her
child stopping, looking at the streak of light
and smiling.

Finally, the mother called and asked, " What are
you doing?"

Her child answered,"God keeps taking pictures of
me."

was at work when she received a phone call that her tiny son
was

very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy
to
get
some medication for her son. When returning to her car she found that
she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to
her

sick son, she didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told
the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do.
The baby sitter told her that her son was getting worse. She said, "You
might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door".
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had
been

thrown down on the ground possibly by someone else who at some time or
other
had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and
said,
"I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy,
bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The
woman
thought, "Great God. This is what you sent to help me????" But, she was
desperate,
so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help.
She said "Yes, my son is very sick......I stopped to get her some
medication and I locked my keys in my car, I must get home to him.
Please,
can you use this hanger to unlock my car."
He said, "SURE". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute
the
car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "THANK YOU SO
MUCH.....
You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man, see, I just got out of
prison
today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about
an
hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out
loud..."THANK YOU, GOD, FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!!!!"

********************************************************

The Ant - A True Story

Brenda was a young woman that wanted to learn to go rock climbing.
Although she was scared to death she went with a group and they faced
this tremendous cliff of rock. Practically perpendicular.
In spite of her fear, she put on the gear and she took a hold of the
rope and
she started up the face of that rock. Well, she got to a ledge where
she
could
take a breather. As she was hanging on there, whoever was holding the
rope
up at the top of the cliff made a mistake and snapped the rope against
Brenda's
eye and knocked out her contact lens. You know how tiny contact lenses
are
and how almost impossible to find.
Well, here she is on a rock ledge, with who knows how many hundreds of
feet
behind and hundreds of feet above her. Of course, she looked and looked
and
looked, hoping that she would be able to find that contact lens. Here
she
was,
very far from home. Her sight was now blurry. She was very upset by the
fact
that she wouldn't be anywhere near a place were she could get a new
contact
lens.
And she prayed that the Lord would help her to find it.
Well, her last hope was that perhaps when she got to the top of the
cliff, one
of
the girls that was up there on the top might be able to find her
contact
lens
in the corner of her eye.
When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye. There was no
contact
lens
to be found.
She sat down with the rest of the party, waiting for the rest of them
to
come
up
the face of the cliff. She looked out across range after range of
mountains,
thinking of the Bible verse that says, "The eyes of the Lord run to and
fro
throughout the whole earth." She thought, "Lord,You can see all these
mountains. You know every single stone and leaf that's on those
mountains
and
You know exactly where my contact lens is."

Finally, the time came when it was time to go down. They walked down
the
trail
to the bottom.
Just as they got there, there was a new party of rock climbers coming
along.
As one of them started up the face of the cliff, she shouted out, "Hey,
you
guys! Anybody lose a contact lens?"
Well, that would be startling enough, wouldn't it? She had found the
contact
lens!
But you know why she saw it? An ant was carrying that contact lens so
that it
was moving slowly across the face of the rock. What does that tell you
about
the God of the universe? Is He in charge of the tiniest things? Do ants
matter
to Him? Of course they do. He made them. He designed them.
Brenda told me that her father is a cartoonist. When she told him this
incredible story, he drew a picture of that ant lugging that contact
lens(as
you see in the comics with a balloon with words in it over his head)
with
the
words:
"Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing. I can't eat it
and
it's
awfully heavy. But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for
You."
If God is in charge of the ants, don't you think He cares about you and
me?
I guess Solomon was right. One could learn a valuable lesson from that
ant --
trust in God. We could probably all say a little more often, "God, I
don't
know
why you want me to carry this load. I see no good in it and it's
awfully
heavy.
Still, if you want me to, I'll carry it for You."

*****************************************
* Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only
* true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

* To handle yourself, use your head;
* To handle others, use your heart.

* Anger is only one letter short of danger.

* If someone betrays you once, it's his fault;
* if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

* Great minds discuss ideas;
* Average minds discuss events;
* Small minds discuss people.

* God gives every bird it's food,
* But He does not throw it into it's nest.

* He who loses money, loses much;
* He who loses a friend, loses more;
* He who loses faith, loses all.

* Beautiful young people are acts of nature,
* But beautiful old people are works of art.

* Learn from the mistakes of others.
* You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

* The tongue weighs practically nothing,
* But so few people can hold it.


***********************************************
TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON A COMPUTER
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a
computer

is.....

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".
*******************************************
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right
by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the
law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in
de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard
for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 4 english
words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 4 words are: Hostess, Green,
Pink and
Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says,
"Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up,
and sez Yellow...Hostess?"

************************************************
A fellow new to boating was having a problem. No matter how hard he
tried he
just couldn't get his brand new 22 ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't
get on
a plane at all, and was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no
matter

how
much power he supplied. After about an hour of trying to make it go,
he
putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell him what was
wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working
order. The
engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the
correct
size
and pitch.

Finally, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check
underneath.

He
came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat,
still
strapped securely in place, was the trailer.
*********************************************
The Top 12 Episodes of a TV Sitcom Starring Bill Gates

12. "Beverly Hills 90210.2" -- Bill is scammed out of his billions by a
midriff baring vixen, only to have the money restored by Dylan, who
somehow accomplishes this on a laptop while hanging around at the Peach
Pit.

11. "Ally McBill" -- When Bill makes fun of the new attorney's

micro-miniskirts, she kicks his ass. Janet Reno guest stars.

10. "The Brady Bunch" -- Marsha doesn't think her new boyfriend, Bill,
is so groovy after he puts Bobby and Cindy's lemonade stand out of
business.

9. "One's Company" -- Deciding that less company is best for him, zany
Bill forces all his co-stars into early retirement.

8. "Petticoat Junction" -- The 3 girls from Hooterville make plans to
seduce the new computer guru in town but change their minds when they
hear the words "micro" and "soft."

7. "That 70's Show" -- When Bill gets his first summer job programming
in COBOL, Y2K hilarity ensues.

6. "Mork & Mindy" -- Mork's dweeby cousin, Dork from Ork, visits Earth.

5. "Love Boat" -- The crew watches in horror as Captain Bill refuses to
yield right-of-way to the oncoming supertanker USS Justice Department.

4. "Everybody Loves Bill" -- Bill begins to suspect that people love
him
for his money. Guest stars: Anne Nicole Smith, Carmen Electra, and the
guy who married Martha Raye

3. "I Dream of Billy" -- Major Gates discovers a genie in a bottle who
offers him the world; he refuses, saying, "I already own it!"

2. "Billigan's Island" -- Billigan builds a machine which is sure to
get
the castaways off the island -- but it keeps crashing!

1. "Family Matters" -- Urkel imagines what his adult life would be like
if he had been born Caucasian.

*****************************************

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest
puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all
the milk. After five years came up with the biggest meanest
dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's
cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian
dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American
dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's
neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian
dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened.
We had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look
like a Dachshund."
Kids and Religion

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan,
3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus
were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first
pancake. I can wait.' "

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be
Jesus."
=================================================================

Natural Selection

A father was at the beach with his children when his
four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to
the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what
appened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back
down?"
=================================================================Honesty

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I
grow up,I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've
ever had."

=================================================================

Dinner Party

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned
to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say
the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"

We bought my 4 year-old son the illustrated Book of Mormon for kids from
the Distribution Center for Christmas. Ever since, he hasn't wanted to
read anything else. He absolutely loves that book, and is becoming very
familiar with all of the stories therein.

Yesterday, it was nap time, and my wife was feeling quite tired. She
was awakened from her sleep by some strange noises. As anyone with
a toddler or preschooler knows, when you hear strange noises, you
investigate. She entered his room, only to find him standing on his bed
with his "blankie" draped over his back like a cloak, brandishing the
turkey baster (which he apparently retrieved from the kitchen unassisted).

The following conversation ensued:

Mother:-- What are you doing with the turkey baster?

Son:-- It's my sword.

Mother:-- Why do you have a sword?

Son:-- I'm a prophet. I'm preaching repentance to the monsters under
the bed!

An Irishman was drinking at the pub all night. The bartender
came up
to him and told him that the bar was closing. So the Irishman
stood up

to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand up one
more time

with the same result. So he figured he'd just crawl outside,
hang out
for a while, get some fresh air and hopefully that would sober
him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell again-right on his face. So
he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrived
at  the door he tried one more time with the same results.

Exhausted, he then gave up and started crawling to the bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright but he quickly fell right

into the bed and fell sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
The next morning, he woke up with his wife standing over him
shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asked as he put on an innocent
look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.

 

A mother was putting her small son to bed during a thunderstorm. The little
boy asked, "Mommy, can't you sleep with me tonight?" The mother tucked him
in, kissed him and replied, "No, dear, I have to sleep with your daddy." As
she turned out the light, she heard the little, shaken voice whisper, "That
big sissy."

-Kirsten
kirstenj@att.net

ARKANSAS STATE RESIDENCY APPLICATION
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob
(last) (_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(_) Billy-Jefferson
(Check appropriate box)   Age: ____
Sex: ____ M
_____ F
_____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:
(_) Sister  (_) Brother  (_) Aunt
(_) Uncle  (_) Cousin  (_) Mother  (_) Father  (_)
Son
(_) Daughter  (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___

Number that are yours: ___  

Mother's Name: _______________________

Father's Name: _______________________ (If not  sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade  completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?  (Check
appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:  ____ truck
____ bedroom  ____ bathroom  ____ kitchen  ____
shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: 
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide 
(_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:  (_)Weekly  (_)Monthly
(_)Not Applicable  
Color of teeth:  (_)Yellow
(_)Brownish-Yellow  (_)Brown  (_)Black  (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:  (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?  (_)1 mile  (_)2 miles
(_)don't know  


WHAT GRANDMA ALWAYS SAID:

1. 1. It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
2. 2. Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to
who can't.
3. 3. Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.
4. 4. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what
we give.
5. 5. There are times when silence has the loudest voice.
6. 6. When God measures a person, He puts the tape around his heart
not his head.
7. 7. By the time we realize our parents were right, we have
children who think we're wrong.

A Dying Man's Last Request


An elderly man by the name of Mr. MacIntosh was
laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.

The old man said suddenly, "It's time! Send for the
Minister."

The son said, "The Minister! Dad, I think you
mean the priest. We are devout Catholics."

"Get the Minister! Get the Minister!" the dying man
repeated agitatedly.

"Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind," the
son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. "I
will call the priest."

The old man insisted, "If you have ANY love for your
father, you will do as I have asked."

So, reluctantly, the son did his father's bidding, and
soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the
old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the
parish priest knocked on the door.

The son said, "Father, I am afraid you are too late.
The Minister has already been here."

The priest rushed over to the old man's beside and he
asked in dismay, "HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?"

The old man looked up and replied, "Well, Father, I
figured that if someone had to die, better one of them
than one of us."

************************************************************

Three Pastors at The Pearly Gates

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a
revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly,
they were all killed. At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple
forward.

Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply,
"You hypocrit!" he boomed, "All you ever cared about in your life was
money! 'Money is evil' 'Money won't buy you happiness!' 'Money THIS...'
'Money THAT...'. Yet you've hoarded money all your life! You were the
wealthiest person in your whole community. In fact, you were so consumed
with money that you married a woman named 'Penny,' isn't that so?" he
demanded. Obviously shaken, the preacher meekly responded, "Y-yes, Sir,
That's true..."

"Well, you DID preach the gospel, so I won't send you off to
you-know-where, but you DON'T get to come in the FRONT gate. You have to
walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK door. Off you go!"

And the couple went shamefully on their way.

St. Peter leered at the next pastor, "And YOU!" Peter hissed. "All YOU
ever talked and cared about was ALCOHOL! 'The bottle THIS...' and 'The
bottle THAT...' Yet, you've been drunk nearly EVERY time you preached.
In fact, you were so consumed with alcohol and drinking that you married
a woman named 'Brandy', ISN'T THAT SO!!?" he accused. The pastor only
nodded in shame.

"Well, you, too preached a powerful sermon -- despite being drunk -- so
no hell for you either. But YOU don't get to come in the FRONT gate,
either. You have to walk all the way AROUND heaven and enter in the BACK
door. Off with you!" And the couple slowly shuffled off.

"And YOU!!..." St. Peter began.

The third Pastor held up his hand to silence St. Peter and turned to his
wife and said, "We'd better start walkin', fannysmiling.gif (1578 bytes)

A top movie producer was discussing his new
project - an action docudrama about famous
composers with several top stars.

Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Van Damme
were present. The producers really desired
the box office 'oomph' of these three, so they
were prepared to allow them to select what
famous composers they would portray.

"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired
Mozart. I would love to play him."

"Chopin has always been my favorite," said
Van Damme, "I'll play him."

The producers were pleased. "Sounds
splendid. But, who do you want to be, Arnold?"

Arnold says -

.. ...(Wait for it)......

....... (its a good one|).....

"I'll be Bach."

A man walks into a healthfood restaurant after a day at the
office, sits down and orders a nice big dish of brown rice
and stir-fry veggies.

He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter
by the cash register while he's waiting for his order, and
as he starts to chew he hears a voice say, "That's a
beautiful tie, is that silk? Very NICE choice!"

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks
around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been
speaking to him. With a shrug, he pops a few more peanuts
into his mouth.

Next he hears a voice, "Those shoes are stylin', my man.
Are they Italian leather? They look GRRREAT!"

He whirls around to again but sees no one near him. He
glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he
tucks self-consciously under the stool.

A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts.
This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks
FANTASTIC! Is it an Armani? Very nice!"

He immediately calls the waiter over and says, "Look. I
keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my
shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that?
Am I GOING CRAZY??"

"Oh," the waiter nonchalantly replies, "those are just the
peanuts."

"The PEANUTS?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the
bowl beside him.

"Yes," replies the waiter, ". . . they're complimentary !

Dear God, I know you can everything, so please, I was born in Italy and I fear to fly, please make a freeway from USA to Italy. "Dear son, I used to move mountains, divide the seas, but it was long time ago. To do what you are asking, I should rearrange the entire face of the earth. It is true I can do that, but others could ask the same and I can't change the face of the earth almost every day, so please ask me something easier" "Dear God, the stock market is going down,n, the dollar itself is going down, so please make our president faithful to his wife" God thinks for just a moment and said:" How many lanes do you want for your freeway?"

smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

The owner of Utah Jazz asked to the Lord when his team will win the championship "In the 2050 a.c." was the answer "Man! I won't be here" said the man. The owner of the Chicago Bulls made the same question and God answered :"In the 2060 a.c." So the owner of the Los Angeles Lakers was encouraged to ask the same question, feeling very good about that:" When the Los Angeles Lakers will win the championship?" "I won't be there" Answered God.

cat10.gif (11679 bytes)

One Sunday morning a drunk man get in the church. The priest recognized him like

a lost sheep, so he put more enphasy on his talk, but he was confused, and talking about the miracle of the bread and the fishes he said:"And the Lord performed a great miracle, with 7000 bread and fishes he feeded 7 people. The drunk man said:" It is not a miracle!" and walked out. The priest didn't realize his mistake and was surprised from his reaction, but a friend told him his mistake, and he was sorry. Fortunately the next Sunday the same person came back in the church, always drunk. So the priest felt like to have another chance to fix the situation and said at loud voice:" Today, today the Lord performs a great miracle, with 7 bread and fishes  is able to feed 7.000 people!" But the drunk man said a loud voice too "It is not a miracle!" "Why?" asked the priest "Man you have all the stuff from the other week!!!!"smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

 

A wife discover her husband was not sleeping in the middle of the night so she

asked:"Why?" "Well tomorrow morning I should pay 1.000 dollars to Kevin, but I don't have any money" "Well, don't worry", replied the wife. She took the phone and called Kevin. Kevin was surprised, because was 3 o'clock in the morning, but she was kind "Kevin I am sorry to bother you, but I want to let you know that tomorrow morning my husband can't give you the money that you are awaiting for, good night" And after that she told to her husband" Now you can happily sleep!" "Why ?" asked the husband "Because he has to worry about not you!"

smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

Here are a few examples of Before and After you fall In love:

Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating

Before - Twice a night
After - Twice a month

Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac

Before - Lucy and Ricky
After - Fred and Ethyl

Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football

Before - Don't stop
After - Don't start

Before - Is that all your having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey

Before - Its like I'm living In a dream
After - Its like he lives In a dorm

Before - $60/doz.
After - $1.50/stem

Before - Turbo charged
After - Jump start

Before - We agree on everything
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?

Before - Victoria Secret
After - Fruit of the Loom

Before - Charming and Noble
After - Chernobyl

Before - Feathers and handcuffs
After - Ball and chain

Before - Idol
After - Idle

Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat


Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?

Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship Is going nowhere

Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instant

Before - You look so seductive In black
After - Your clothes are so depressing

Before - Oysters
After - Fishsticks

Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you

Before - Passion
After - Ration

Before - Once upon a time
After - The end
smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a
downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of
$5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.

"Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce" the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground

parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to
settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in Interest" the loan
officer
said.

The man wrote out a check and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out you
are

a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for
two

weeks and pay only $15.40"
smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar, when a young lady seated a few
stools up, began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was
turning blue and
obviously in serious respiratory distress.

One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad
time!" The other agreed
and said, "think we should go help?" You bet, said the
first, and with that he ran
over and said can you breathe?? She shook her head no! He
said, can you
speak?? She again shook her head no.

With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties
and licked her on the
butt. So shocked was she, she coughed up the piece of
obstruction and began
to breathe, with great relief!

Back to his friend, he said "funny how that hind lick
maneuver always works."

Little Cuddles is in the backyard with mommy, and says, "Itty-Bitty!"
"That's right Cuddles, that bug is very small!" said mom.
Just then a hefty lady walked past, and Cuddles said, "Iggy-Biggy!"

+':::::;$+::::: ;$+;$+ :::::;$+:::::';

A family finished their meal in a restaurant and the father called the
waitress over and said, "My son has left quite a lot of meat on his plate.
Could you put it in a Doggie Bag for us?"
"Oh, Dad," shouted the excited boy. "Are you getting me a dog?"

********************************
Little Joanie, aged 7, was sometimes very naughty. That's an
understatment. On one of those occasions her mother to be particularly
impressive said, "Don't you know that if you keep being so naughty your
children will be naughty too?"
Joanie cried triumphantly, "Oh, Mother, you gave yourself away!"

% ~ < ~ % ~ < ~ % ~ < ~ %

One day, a girl walked up to her mother and look at her mother's hair
and sadly said: "Why are some of your hairs white mom?"
The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.
The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma,
how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?

+-74/`7-.,_,.-7+ $' $'0$0'$ '$ ;7-.,_,.-74/`7-;

If all the teenagers who slept in class were laid end to end
-- they'd be a lot more comfortable.

Hey parents! Tell your kids to grow up to be meteorologists. It's the
only job where you can be wrong 90% of the time and not get fired.
==================================

TEXAS HEAT

It's so hot in Texas, the birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out
of the ground.

It's so hot in Texas, the potatoes cook underground and all you have to
do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

It's so dry in Texas; the cows give evaporated milk.

It's so dry in Texas; the trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

It's so hot that the farmers are feeding the chickens crushed ice to keep
them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

Just a few ways you can tell
you're in Texas in the summer time...

You can say 110 degrees without fainting...

You eat hot chili to cool your mouth off...

You can make sun tea instantly...

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron...

You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of
distance...

Hotter water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one...

You actually burn your hand opening the car door...

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear, "what if I get knocked out and lay on the
pavement and cook to death"?

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

$'0$0'$'0$0'$'0$0'$'0$0'$

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.

';$+':::;$+:::';$+;$+':::;$+:::';$+'

When someone from West Texas tells ya' that they had a 5 inch rain,
they don't mean the total quantity of rainfall.
They're referring to how far apart the drops were.

x:00:x:00:x:00:x:00:x:00:x

We were having my husbands favorite dinner, liver and onions last
night. Well to say the least it is not my kids favorite, but they will eat
it. My daughter proudly announced that she had finished all her liver.
Then my 13yr.old son popped up and told her " I'm and organ donor you can
have mine."

*:~:*:~:*:~:*:~:*:~:*:~:*

Four year old Little Johnny went up to the front of the church when the
pastor asked the kids to come up so that he could tell them the story of
Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. Pastor got to the part where he said "Mary had
baby Jesus".
Johnny interrupted.."Huh-uh?"
The pastor said "Yes, Johnny, Mary had baby Jesus."
Justin, "No she didn't, Mary had a little lamb".

*~~~* *~~~* *~~~* *~~~* *~~~*smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

Little Johnny the stork has brought your baby brother today, says his
proud father, "Wanna go into the hospital and see your baby brother?"
"No, replies Johnny, "I wanna see the stork."

<*<*<*<*<*<*<*<

Dad: "You mustn't pull the cat's tail."
Little Johnny: "I'm only holding it. The cat is pulling."

Dad: "Well, Little Johnny, how do you like school?"
Johnny: "When it's closed."

;$*4`3$;$+$*4`3$+$+$*4`3$+

Little Johnny came downstairs crying his heart out. "What's the matter
now?" asked his mother.
"Grandpa was hanging pictures and just hit his thumb with a hammer,"
said Johnny.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "A big boy like you
shouldn't cry at trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did," sobbed Johnny.

;oOo+,88, ;oOo+,88, ;oOo+

Little Johnny asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"
The mother replied, "I don't know, son, I never met your father's
folks."

;'+:*4`;{@}+4`*:;'+*4`;{@}+4`*:;'+

Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!
xx( )@o@( )xx( )@o@( )xx

My friend has a baby.
I'm recording all the noises he makes so...
Later I can ask him what he meant.

***************************************************
A sense of humor is what
makes you laugh at something
which would have made you mad
if it happened to you.

Laughter is the best medicine for a long and happy life.
He who laughs............lasts.

Live your life and forget about your age!

;'+~*~;'+~*~;'+~*~;'+~*~;'+

You know you are getting old when the little old lady you are helping
cross the street is your wife.

Don't worry about losing your breath blowing out the candles on your
birthday cake. Just beat 'em out with your cane!

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to
know why I look like this. I have traveled a long way. And some of the
roads were not paved.

..()[] []()..()[] []()..()[] []()..

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

To avoid that run down feeling - cross the streets carefully.

;'+~*~;'+~*~;'+~*~;'+

"Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village?"
"We haven't got one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago."

4/`7-.,_,.-74/0:$:0/`7-.,_,.-74/`
Q: What are Ernest and Julio Gallo?

My wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," she replied.
"Just say what Mommy says," my wife said.
Our daughter bowed her head and said:
"Oh, Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls
out to God, "Lord, I have a problem."

"What's the problem, Adam?" , God replies.

"Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and
surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all of these
wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that Adam? , comes the reply from the heavens.

"Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely
food and all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely."

"Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall
create a 'woman' for you."

"What is a 'woman', Lord?"

"This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring,
and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so
intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want
it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your
every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that
of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your
every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for
you," replies the heavenly voice.

"Sounds great."

"She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."

"How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?" Adam asks.

"She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye and an
ear."

Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep though and
concern on his face. Finally Adam says to God, "What can I get
for a rib?"
smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

Recently I was interviewing applicants for the position of Comptroller.

I devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. I
asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed
the
answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr
of
Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. I asked him, "How much is two and
two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then
came back and sat down. He leaned across my desk and said in a low voice,
"How
much do you want it to be?"

smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

Business owners who used the word X-mas as a abbreviation for Christmas were
way off, they should have used $-mas instead.

;+x;+ ;+x;+ ;+x;+

The Philanthropist and the Preacher

One day a man called the church office. He said, "Can I speak to the
head hog at the trough?"
The secretary thought she heard what he said, but said, "I'm sorry,
who?"
The caller repeated, "Can I speak to the head hog at the trough?"
She said, "Well, if you mean the preacher, then you may refer to him as
'Pastor,' or 'Brother,' but prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head
hog at the trough'!"
To this the man replied, "Well, I was planning on giving $10,000 to the
building fund...."
To this the secretary quickly responded "Hang on, I think the big fat
pig just walked in!"
&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&

Signs:

Plumber: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company here in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't
sleep with a drip, call your plumber!!"

Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak!!

At a Tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

At a towing company: "We won't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop
reading these signs"
+:::$::::;+:::$::::;+:::$::::;

The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all
around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his
workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said,
"It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk
eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for
raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on
strike."
***********************

ALL I NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE I LEARNED FROM A COW

~Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
~Don't cry over spilled milk.
~The grass is green on the other side of the fence too.
~Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
~Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
~It's better to be seen and not herd.
~Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
~Never take any bull from anybody.
~Always let them know who's the bossy.
~Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
~Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
~Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.

<*<*<*

When the insects take over the world, we hope they will remember with
gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.
<Bill Vaughan

* ;'+ * ;'+ * ;'+ * ;'+* ;'+ *

A flea and a fly in a flue were trapped, so what could they do? ''Let
us fly!'' cried the flea.
''Let us flee!'' said the fly. So, they flew through a flaw in the
flue.

*: :*: :*: :*: :*: :*: :*: :*

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered to a
complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver, getting out to see
what was the matter, noticed one of the cows looking at him.
"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.
The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He ran
to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door. "A cow just gave me
advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his arms franticly back toward the
field.
The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to glance down
the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?" the farmer asked
slowly.
"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.
"Oh. Well, that's Ethel," the farmer said, turning back to the man.
"Don't pay any attention to her. She doesn't know a thing about cars."

< <))' < <))' <

What do you call crazy fleas?
Loony ticks.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would
kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

+*4`3$34`*; +*4`3$34`*; +*4`3$34`*;

The reason a dog is man's best friend is because he gives no advice,
never tries to borrow money, and has no in-laws!

One thing worse that raining cats and dogs is hailing taxicabs!

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea." -- Robert A. Heinlein
^,,^< ^,,^< ^,,^<

Recently I was interviewing applicants for the position of Comptroller.

I devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. I
asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two?"

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed
the
answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr
of
Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. I asked him, "How much is two and
two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then
came back and sat down. He leaned across my desk and said in a low voice,
"How
much do you want it to be?"


-------------------------------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Addicts live to use drugs...Patients use drugs to LIVE!"
----------------------------------------------------

The white part of your fingernail is called the lunula.

* Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."

* The geographical center of North America is near Rugby, North Dakota.

* The infinity sign is called a lemniscate.

* Hacky-sack was invented in Turkey.

* If you stretch a standard Slinky out flat it measures 87 feet long.

* There are only three words in the English language with the letter
combination "uu." Muumuu, vacuum and continuum.
[Hmmm... Muumuu counts as English, but the following do not?
duumvir intermenstruum praecipuum suum
duumviral lituus residuum triduum
duumvirate menstruum semicontinuum vacuuma
equuleus mutuum squush vacuumize
individuum obliquus squushy zuurveldt
Making a random check I find that "suum" is in the Oxford English
Dictionary
and the example they give is from Shakespeare... -- psl]

* The "Calabash" pipe, most often associated with Sherlock Holmes, was not
used by him until William Gillette (an American) portrayed Holmes
onstage.
Gillette needed a pipe he could keep in his mouth while he spoke his
lines.

* The only word in the English language with all five vowels in reverse
order is "subcontinental."
[duoliteral
Eupolidean
Juloidea
Muscoidea
Pulmonifera
quodlibetal
quodlibetary
subcontinental
subhyoidean
uncomplimentary
uncontinental
unnoticeably
unoccidental
unoriental

grep is your friend :). -- sef]
[Using that same grep to look for any "words" that contain all SIX vowels
(a,
e, i, o , u, and sometimes y) in reverse order turns up:
oxyquinoline sulphate
Note that the "sulphate" is only needed for the "a"... -- psl]

* Most Americans' car horns beep in the key of F.

* Dirty Harry's badge number is 2211.

* The pupil of an octupus' eye is rectangular.

* The shortest French word with all five vowels is "oiseau" meaning bird.
[What about the Yiddish French word meaning "Oh no, water" -- "Oi eau!" --
psl]

* Camel's milk does not curdle.

* "Mr. Mojo Risin" is an anagram for Jim Morrison.

* The ball on top of a flagpole is called the truck.

* A person from the country of Nauru is called a Nauruan; this is the only
palindromic nationality.

* The word "modem" is a contraction of the words "modulate, demodulate."
(MOdulateDEModulate)

Oliver Cromwell was hanged and decapitated two years after he had died.

* The longest word in the Oxford English Dictionary is
"floccinaucinihilipilification," which means "the act of estimating as
worthless."
* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

* The parking meter was invented in North Dakota.

* Des Moines has the highest per capita Jello consumption in the U.S

* The Western-most point in the contiguous United States is Cape Alava, WA.

* There are only three animals with blue tongues, the Black Bear, the Chow
Chow dog and the blue-tongued lizard.
[Several species of lizards have blue tongues. Most notably is the
Blue-tongued skink, of Australia and there-abouts. -- sef]

* The first fossilized specimen of Austalopithecus afarenisis was named
Lucy
after the palentologists' favorite song, Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds, by
the Beatles.

* Iowa has more independent telephone companies than any other state.

* The first prime number after 1,000,000 is 1,000,003.
[Some people might call that the first 7-digit prime... -- psl]

* Hamster Useless Facts: Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.

* The only "real" food that U.S. Astronauts are allowed to take into space
is pecan nuts.
[And pecans aren't nuts - they're seeds. I'm told that the pecan fruit is
eaten in some parts of the world; I'd love to try it some day. -- cohn]

* The word "queueing" is the only English word with five consecutive
vowels.
[grep on /usr/share/dict/words disagrees, but the four words it finds may
not
be english:

cadiueio
Chaouia
euouae
Guauaenok
-- sef]
[And if you allow "y" to be considered a vowel, you also get...
fooyoung
gayyou
Mayeye
ukiyoye
-- psl]

* The first Eagle Scout west of the Mississippi is buried in San Marcos,
Texas.

* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

* Roberta Flack wrote "Killing Me Softly" about singer Don McLean.

* The Greek version of the Old Testament is called the Septuagint.

* Spencer Eldon was the name of the naked baby on the cover of Nirvana's
album Nevermind.

* All three major 1996 Presidential candidates, Clinton, Dole, and Perot,
are left-handed.

* The Madagascan Hissing Cockroach is one of the few insects who give birth
to live young, rather than laying eggs.

* The book of Esther in the Bible is the only book which does not mention
the name of God.
[Many oddities about the book of Esther have led biblical scholars to
conclude that it was actually a popular Persian melodrama which was slipped
into the canon by mistake (makes virtues out of things that are prohibited
by the rest of the old testament, Ester=Ishtar [Persian goddess],
Morduchai=Morduck [Persian god], plot resembles other known Persian
melodramas) -- cohn]


* Sheriff came from Shire Reeve. During early years of monarchial rule in
England, each shire had a reeve who was the law for that shire. When the
term was brought to the United States it was shortned to Sheriff.

* An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.

* Dracula is the most filmed story of all time, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is
second and Oliver Twist is third.

* The silhouette on the NBA logo is Jerry West

* The silhouette on the Major League Baseball logo is Harmon Killebrew.

* The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the
"General
Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

* Lucifer is latin for "Light Bringer". It is a translation of the Hebrew
name for Satan, Halael. Satan means "adversary", devil means "liar".

* A cat's jaws cannot move sideways.

* Geller and Huchra have made three-dimensional maps of the distrubution
of galaxies. In each layer of the map some galaxies are grouped together
in such a way that they resemble a human being.

* Avocado is derived from the Spanish word 'aguacate' which is derived from
'ahuacatl' meaning testicle.

* The company providing the liability insurance for the Republican National
Convention in San Diego is the same firm that insured the maiden voyage of
the RMS Titanic.

* Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays. Donald Duck's
middle name is Fauntleroy. Al Capone's business card said he was a used
furniture dealer.
[I see. But... Oh, never mind... -psl]

* Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.

* Winston Churchill, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Theodore Roosevelt and
Eleanor Roosevelt were all cousins through one connection or another.
FDR
and Eleanor were about five times removed.)

* The Earth-Moon size ratio is the largest in the our solar system,
excepting Pluto-Charon.
[Wouldn't that be *smallest* ratio? The earth is about 6 times the mass of
the
moon, something like that; Jupiter is many, many, many times more massive
than
any of its moons. -- sef]

* Each unit on the Richter Scale is equivalent to a power factor of about
32. So a 6 is 32 times more powerful than a 5! Though it goes to 10, 9 is
estimated to be the point of total tetonic destruction (2 is the smallest
that can be felt unaided.)
[I thoguht it was a standard exponential scale (base 10). -- sef]
[According to `http://www.earthsky.com/1996/esmi960804.html', you are
right.
-- Pardo]

* Most snakes have either only one lung, or in some cases, two, with one
much reduced in size. This apparently serves to make room for other
organs
in the highly-elongated bodies of snakes. A twelve-foot anaconda can
catch, kill, and eat a six-foot caiman, a close relative of crocodles and
alligators. While these snakes are not usually considered to be the
*longest* snake in the world, they are the heaviest, exceeding the
reticulated python in girth.

* Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur. The story was
changed in the 1600s by a translator. The story was probably not changed
deliberately by the 17th century translator. The glass slipper is more
likely to have arisen from a confusion between the French, "une pantoufle
en vair" (a fur slipper) and, "une pantoufle en verre" (a glass slipper.)
It was the left shoe that Aschenputtel (Cinderella) lost at the stairway,
when the prince tried to follow her. Cinderella is known as Tuhkimo in
Finland.

* If you come from Birmingham, you are a Brummie.

* The names of all the continents end with the same letter that they start
with, e.g. Asia, Europe, Australia.

* There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs
six times: Indivisibility.
[Similarly, for six Es there are:
degenerescence, breeze-wheeler, ever-esteemed, and sleeve-defended.
and for six Os there are:
odontonosology and proctocolonoscopy (ouch!)
but this is obviously cheating because these Ys are vowels...
-- psl]

* The smallest port in Canada is Port Williams, Nova Scotia. The Canadian
province of Newfoundland has its own time zone, which is half an hour
behind
Atlantic standard time. Cats in Halifax, Nova Scotia, have a very high
probability of having six toes.

* The second longest word in the English language is
"antidisestablishmenterianism." Rats like boiled sweets better than they
like cheese. Big Ben was slowed five minutes one day when a passing group
of starlings decided to take a rest on the minute hand of the clock.
[Does anyone have difficulty understanding why these three are combined
into one item? -psl]

* The little lump of flesh just forward of your ear canal, right next to
your temple, is called a tragus.

* Soweto in South Africa ws derived from SOuth WEst TOwnship.

* Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.

 

site info

Members : 13639
Content : 381
Web Links : 6
Content View Hits : 840338

Who is online

We have 10 guests online

Adam's progenitors

Massimo Franceschini Adam's progenitors?

Secret paradise

Massimo Franceschini Secret Paradise

Hidden truths in the Bible. Volume 1

Hidden truths in the Bible. Volume 1