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Can anybody send me good jokes, I mean good innocent humor, I'd like to do a relaxing page, to make the people laugh. Check! there are more jokes also in the other page   MORE JOKES and MORE JOKES2 More Jokes 3

After a group of scientist had completed much work on cloning and had several sucessful experiments with creating life. They decided they did not need God any longer because they too could create life. So they nominated one of them to go tell God he was no longer needed. When he told God what they had decided, God ask, "So you think you can create life just as I did?" The man's reply was yes, I am sure we can even create a man. God said, "Well do it then and I will go away". So the man proceeded to scoop up some dirt to create a man, when God says, "Stop that's my dirt."

Subject: Biblical meanings from kids

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have
not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in).

1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
2. A Christian should have only one spouse.  This is called monotony.
3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.  Noah built an ark, which the animals
come on to in pears.
5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
6. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.
7. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.
8. Samson slayed the hilistines with the axe of the Apostles.
9. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
10. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
11. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
12. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
13. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
14. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
15. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
16. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
17. When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
Carta.
18. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in
the manager.
19. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
20. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
21. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you.


When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Matthew, Age 12

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching.
Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.
Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Rosemary, Age 7

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when
your parents are doing taxes.
Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom.
Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert.
Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't
answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.
Joel, Age 12

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when
she's on the phone.
Alyesha, Age 13

Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13

Never spit when on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11

Never do pranks at a police station.
Sam, Age 10

Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving.
Rob, Age 10

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do
what your mom told you to do.
Hank, Age 12

Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand.
Molly, Age 11

Listen to your brain. It has lots of information.
Chelsey, Age 7

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.
Phillip, Age 13

Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8

WHAT GRANDMA ALWAYS SAID:

1. 1. It's what you learn after you know it all that counts.
2. 2. Most of us can keep a secret. It's the people we tell it to
who can't.
3. 3. Kindness is the oil that takes the friction out of life.
4. 4. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what
we give.
5. 5. There are times when silence has the loudest voice.
6. 6. When God measures a person, He puts the tape around his heart
not his head.
7. 7. By the time we realize our parents were right, we have
children who think we're wrong.

Jesus asked his disciples, saying, "Whom do men say that I the Son of
man am?"

And they said, "Some say that thou art John the Baptist: some, Elias;
and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets."

He saith unto them, "But whom say ye that I am?"

And Simon Peter answered and said, "Thou art the ineffable Trinity of
the holy God in the indistinguishable Persons of the Father, the Son and
the Holy Ghost, being of one substance and one mind and one will. Thou
wast created, not made. Thou came forth from the Father through the
power of the Holy Ghost yet thou art coequal with the Father, and
coeternal with the Holy Ghost and there was never a time when thou
didn't exist. In all ways thou art very God from very God, very light
from very light, and very life from very life, while neither dividing
the parts nor confounding the Persons. As the Father is the Father, so
art thou. As the Son is the Son, so art thou. As the Holy Spirit is the
Holy Spirit, so art thou. Thou are three in one and one in three, having
neither body, parts nor passion. Thou art incomprhensible and
inexplicable.

And Jesus answered and said unto him, "What?"

 

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field.
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up
into the sky and tell me what you see."

The CO said "I see millions of stars."

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?"

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?"

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent"


1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a
strip
joint at least once.

2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit
level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in
the control tower to talk you down.

4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

5. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the
price
range of most people - whether they are employed or not.

6. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

7. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from
duty.

8. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into
will know all the steps.

9. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut.
You
will always choose the right one.

10. Any laptop computers is powerful enough to override the
communications
system of any invading alien society.

11. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts
fight - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.

12. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

13. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each
other.

14. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.






What goes clip,clop,clip,clop, bang,bang, bang, clip, clop, clip, clop. An amish drive by shooting.

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was
known as being an unkempt housekeeper.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the
dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Were these dishes ever
washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and
grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get
them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started
eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty
dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside
whistled and yelled, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

A man sat in a plane looking out the window. It was the first time he
had ever flown in one and he was feeling a little awed by it all.
Finally he turned to the man next to him and said excitely, "Boy, when
you look out the window down at the ground, people look like ants." The
man next to him replied, "Those are ants. We haven't taken off yet."
***********
Two men were out one day walking their dogs. One had a big Doberman and
the other had a small Pekinese. As they came to a bar, the one who had
the Doberman said, "Why don't we go in and have a drink?"

"We can't go in there with out dogs," the other man protested.

"Sure we can," came the reply. "Just follow my example." With that the
man walked inside with his Doberman.

"Hey, you!" yelled the bartender. "You can't bring your dog in here!"

"I'm blind," said the man. "And this is my seeing-eye dog."

"You've got a Doberman for a seeing-eye dog?" the bartender asked
suspiciously.

"I got robbed one day, so I got a dog who can protect me."

The bartender thought about that for a moment and decided it made sense,
so he let the man in. A few minutes later the second man came in with
his dog.

"Hey, you!" yelled the bartender. "You can't bring your dog in here!"

"I'm blind," said the second man. "This is my seeing-eye dog."

"Who are you trying to kid?" the bartender yelled back. "Who ever heard
of a Pekinese for a seeing-eye dog?"

"What?" the second man said in surprise. "They gave me a Pekinese?"
**********
A man was walking down the street and saw another man carrying a dog in
his arms who had no legs. "Happened to you dog?" the first man asked.
"Was it an accident?"

"No," replied the second man. "He was born this way."

"That's too bad," came the sympathetic reply. "What's his name."

"He doesn't have a name," the owner said.

"He doesn't have a name? How come?"

"What's the sense? He won't come if you call him."
*************
Like I said to the girl with the wooden leg: "Peg."

smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

TAKE MY WIFE, PLEASE!


A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here."
"Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife."
"So you're single."

I've been married for 49 years.
Where have I failed?

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times
a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

My wife will buy anything marked down.
Last year she bought an escalator.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three
stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker.
Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's.
I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street.
The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?"
My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the
carburetor.
I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife called it the Dead Sea.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight,
but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"
"No, jump in!"

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia.
It has a hood under the hood.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive.
Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room.
"How did you get the car in here?"
"Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

 

My father always use to ask the question: "Why is a marriage ceremony
like a furneral?"
The answer" "Either way the guy's dead."
******************
One day an old hermit who lived high in the hills of West Virginia,
decided he was tired of living alone, so he sent away for a mail-order
bride. On the day she was to arrive, he hitched his mule to the
buckboard and took the long, winding trip into town. After picking up
his new bride at the train terminal, and getting enough supplies to last
him six months, they began their ride up the mountain trail.

As they rode in silence, the mule struggled to pull the heavy load.
Before long, the mule stumbled and fell. "That's one!" the old man
shuted. The mule got back on it's feet and continued pulling the wagon.
About halfway home, the mule stumbled and fell again. "That's two!" the
man shouted. Three-quarters of the way home, the mule one more stumbled
and fell. "That's three!" the man said. And then he took out his rifle
and shot the mule dead.

The new bride was horrified. "Why did you do that?" she said in a
rebuking way. The old man looked at her and said, "That's one!"

smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

ARE YOU THERE GOD

Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of the
meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he
pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.
"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy? What
can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years
like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God
responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to
me, Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to
you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous... can I
have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."
smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK

1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do
something REALLY big.

3.Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but
so were the snails.

8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and complain--
shovel!!!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was
built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat
than the storm outside.

16. Don't miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the
other side.

IT'S TIME TO TURN YOUR COMPUTER OFF & READ A BOOK WHEN ............

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your
E-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if
you
just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your
lap...and
your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a
word
processor.com
9. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
10. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it
again.
11. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are,
because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
12. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you
landscape.
13. You tell the cab driver you live at
.........http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
14. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
15. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a
friend!!smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

Face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham
in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't
invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while
sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore it's paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor
is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the
plural of booth beeth?One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index,
2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch
of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps
you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and
play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while
quite a lot and
quite a few are alike? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold
as hell another?


Have you noticed that we,talk about certain things only when they are
absent? Have you ever seen a horseful-carriage or a strapful gown? Met a
sung hero or experienced
requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated,
gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE spring
chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people,
not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of
course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are
visible, but when the lights are out, they,are invisible. And why, when I
wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

Written by Kevin Daniels, PhDsmiling.gif (1578 bytes)
Procept, Inc.
Cambridge, MA

Over the massive front doors of a church, these words were inscribed: "The
Gate
of Heaven". Below that was a small cardboard sign which read: "Please use
other
entrance."

Rev. Warren J. Keating, Pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of
Yuma, AZ, says that the best prayer he ever heard was: "Lord, please make
me
the
kind of person my dog thinks I am."

A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. "What Denomination?" Asked the clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we
come to
this?" said the woman. "Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one
farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess
we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even
only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children
what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means -
'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!'"

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer?
"3,
6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me,
grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the
sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to
Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw
him
back down?"

Bill Keane, creator of the Family Circus cartoon strip tells of a
time when he was penciling one of his cartoons and his son Jeffy
said, "Daddy, how do you know what to draw?" I said, "God tells me." Jeffy
said,
"Then why do you keep erasing parts of it?"

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow
up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor
replied,
"but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers
we have ever had"

My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to
our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the
blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you
hear
Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear
Lord,
why
on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Dear Patients:

We know you've been patiently waiting your turn. Please don't ask us
how much
longer it'll be - we have no clue. But we do know you've been waiting
too long
when:

You actually enjoy reading the magazines.
Relatives are running over loved ones in the parking lot so they get
seen
faster.
The other patients are taking breakfast orders.
The guy on Long Term Disability has gone back to work.
You forgot your name and missed your turn.
You finish War and Peace for the third time.
You phone home and find out you are a grandparent.
You've used up your entire vacation.
Your fracture's healed
The bathroom doesn't seem so dirty anymore
Everyone in the room now has the same rash you came in with....

smiling.gif (1578 bytes)YOU MUST READ THIS OUT LOUD!

ROOM SERVICE: "Morny. Ruin sorbees."

GUEST: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

ROOM SERVICE: "Rye. Ruin sorbees. Morny! Jewish to odor sunteen??"

GUEST: "Uh, yes, I'd like some bacon and eggs."

ROOM SERVICE: "Ow July den?"

GUEST: "What??"

ROOM SERVICE: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?"

GUEST: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please."

ROOM SERVICE: "Ow July dee baychem - crease?"

GUEST: "Crisp will be fine"

ROOM SERVICE: "Hokay. An San toes?"

GUEST: "What?"

ROOM SERVICE: "San toes. July San toes?"

GUEST: "I don't think so"

ROOM SERVICE: "No? Judo one toes??"

GUEST: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."

ROOM SERVICE: "Toes! Toes! Why jew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"

GUEST: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast. 'Fine.  Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

ROOM SERVICE: "We bother?"

GUEST: "No, just put the bother on the side."

ROOM SERVICE: "Wad?"

GUEST: "I mean butter - just put it on the side."

ROOM SERVICE: "Copy?"

GUEST: "Sorry?"

ROOM SERVICE: "Copy...tea...mill?"

GUEST: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

ROOM SERVICE: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache
, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and
copy.
..rye??"

GUEST: "Whatever you say."

ROOM SERVICE: "Tendjewberrymud"

GUEST: "You're welcome"


smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is
finished.

-------------------

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does
it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't
know son, I'm still paying.

----------------------

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries
her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

----------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what

real happiness was until I got married; and then it was
too late."

-----------------------

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my
husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you
married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A
billionaire."

-----------------------

"The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is
that you never get to prove it."

-----------------------

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over
intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over
experience.

-----------------------

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict
attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

-----------------------
smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

THE OTHER 13 ARTICLES OF FAITH

1. We believe that elders should move pianos, washers, dryers and
several 50 pound bags of storage wheat through narrow hallways, tight
door jams and at least one flight of stairs.

=

2. We believe that the Relief Society is called to provide meals for
the needy. We do not believe that the priesthood cook for anyone,
except missionaries, and then it's limited to ordering pizza.

=

3. We believe in tuna casserole with stale cracker or old potato chip
topping, served in a tupperware dish with a piece of masking tape on
the bottom that reads Jones, Smith or Brown. And as a side dish we
believe that green Jell-O with shaved carrot topping should be served
at all church functions including funerals.

4. We believe that women should stop having children at 35, because
36 is too many.

5. We believe in keeping the Sabbath day holy. But it is okay to
watch professional sports as long as the athlete is a descendant of
Brigham Young, a convert to the church or owns a professional team in
Utah.

6. We believe that drinking caffeinated drinks is not a violation of
the Word of Wisdom, as long as they are cold.

7. We believe that ward phone lists are good multi-marketing tools.

8. We believe that Sunday drives are okay as long as it's not on a
speed boat or dirt bike.

9. We believe in enduring to the end of the stake high counselors talk
and nursery callings.

10. We believe that sleeping on the floor during General Conference is
okay, after all, we can read every talk in the conference issue of th=
e
Ensign.

11. We believe that ex-mormons who write anti-mormon literature are
going to hell.

12. We believe that sleeping during sacrament meeting is the highest
form of meditation.

13. We believe in kicking our sons out of the house at 19 years old,
sending them to a foreign country like Chili, Japan, New Jersey or
Missouri for two years, and telling them that they will return men
because of it. While at the same time, sending them dozens of stale=

cookies and wasting postage by mailing one shoe at a time. We also
believe in sending young women away for 18 months when they turn 21,=

as long as they are not engaged to be married.

The Pope?

A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway
seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was
plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and
began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and
said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked
women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be ," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.
How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong
finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married
the wrong man."

------------------------

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You
know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied,
"Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

-----------------------

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds:
"Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

-----------------------

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother
and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her
mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

-----------------------smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

How do most men define marriage? A very expensive
way to get your laundry done free.

-------------------------

The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it once.

--------------------------

Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is
packing your parachute.

--------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

---------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk
down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are beautiful.



One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly
making exciting discoveries.

Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young.
Grandhchildren are God's reward for not killing your young.

65 Year Old Mother

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All
her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When
they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little
later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the
baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

If at first you do succeed,
Try not to look astonished!

One day a time management expert was speaking to a group of business
students and, to drive home a point, used an illustration I'm sure those
students will never forget. After I share it with you, you'll never
forget
it either.

As this man stood in front of the group of high-powered overachievers he
said, "Okay, time for a quiz." Then he pulled out a one-gallon,
wide-mouthed mason jar and set it on a table in front of him. He
produced
about a dozen fist-sized rocks and carefully placed them, one at a time,
into the jar. When the jar was filled to the top and no more rocks would
fit inside, he asked, "Is this jar full?"

Everyone in the class said, "Yes." Then he said, "Really?" He reached
under the table and pulled out a bucket of gravel. Then he dumped some
gravel in and shook the jar causing pieces of gravel to work themselves
down into the spaces between the big rocks.

Then he smiled and asked the group once more, "Is the jar full?" By this
time the class was onto him. "Probably not," one of them answered.
"Good!" he replied. And he reached under the table and brought out a
bucket of sand. He started dumping the sand in and it went into all the
spaces left between the rocks and the gravel. Once more he asked the
question, "Is this jar full?"

"No!" the class shouted. Once again he said, "Good!" Then he grabbed a
pitcher of water and began to pour it in until the jar was filled to the
brim. Then he looked up at the class and asked, "What is the point of
this
illustration?"

One eager beaver raised his hand and said, "The point is, no matter how
full your schedule is, if you try really hard, you can always fit some
more things into it!"

"No," the speaker replied, "that's not the point. The truth this
illustration teaches us is: If you don't put the big rocks in first,
you'll never get them in at all. "What are the 'big rocks' in your life?
A project that YOU want to accomplish? Time with your loved ones? Your
faith, your education, your finances? A cause? Teaching or mentoring
others? Remember to put these BIG ROCKS in first or you'll never get
them
in at all.

So, tonight or in the morning when you are reflecting on this short
story,
ask yourself this question: What are the 'big rocks' in my life or
business? Then, put those in your jar first.

The Frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me I will turn into a beautiful princess." He bent
over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you
are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket,
smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire
week." The man took the frog out, smiled at it and returned it to his
pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING that
you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it
back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, that I will stay with you for a year and do
anything that you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a TALKING FROG IS COOL."
smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

Two missionaries in a foreign country were teaching a man and woman the

gospel. The missionaries told them they would have to be married before

they could be baptized.

The couple began speaking rather animatedly and it escalated into an

argument. The missionaries couldn't quite get the gist of the conversation

because they were speaking so fast. Eventually the marriage and baptisms

were held.

A year later the couple was meeting with the stake president for

recommends to be sealed in the temple. The stake president had heard

about their argument and asked them about it.

They told him that when they were taking the discussions, they didn't know

each other but were living in the same apartment building and were only

taking the lessons together in the same apartment for convenience.

smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

A husband was telling a friend, "As might imagine, I have a rather
'loose interpretation' of right and wrong on a few subjects. During a
rather lengthy discussion I asked my wife why she thought it was that HER
conscience must be MY guide."
She replied, "Because you get such poor reception from yours."

:x$x: :0`0:x$x:0`0: :x$x:
How can you tell if your mother-in-law is a good cook?
If the pop-tart stays in one piece.

x$:0`0:$x,88,x$:0`0:$x
- Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
or your lunch!

$+' : : :';$+' : : :';$+' : : :';$

I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic.

My husband said it was him or the cat ...
I miss him sometimes.

__D __D __D __D __D

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions
that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply.
"Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed?"
"Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?"

"Wasn't there any change?"

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?"
It's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no.
You're going to get it anyway.
-- Erma Bombeck
% ~ < ~ % ~ < ~ % ~ < ~ %

Product Warnings
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Due to lawsuits the following warnings are now required:

- On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With
Sun Shield in Place"

-On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.

-On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as
a substitute for human companionship.

-On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.

-On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.

-On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to
groin area.

-On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening.

-On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an
earthquake.

-On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker.

-On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony.

-On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed.

-On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation.

-On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the
manufacturer will replace it for a $2-shipping and a $3-handling
charge, for a total of $4.97.

-On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene.

-On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms.

-On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only.

No
meteorological warranties express or implied.
On Odor Eaters: Do not eat.

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium.

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting.

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use
only.

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they
appear.
On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct
words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive.

______

A COWBOY'S GUIDE TO LIFE
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
Te easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it
gets, the harder it is to swaller.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop
diggin'.
If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with
watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.
Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try
orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is
probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.
Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely
different propositions.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
then to make sure it's still there with ya.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.
When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a
person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown
around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it
back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so
important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it
was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it
back into your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
** Cowboy unknown

.Zen Mastery

The Zen master steps up to the hot dog stand and says:
"Make me one with everything."

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who
pays with a $20 bill.
The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes the
drawer.
"Where's my change?" asks the Zen master.
And the hot dog vendor responds, "Change must come from within."



Anthony Consentino

Two sister missionaries had been suckered into delivering supplies to the local hospitals. They hadn't been watching their gas gauge and as you can guess they ran out of gas. They were only a block away from a gas station, however, and they walked to the station and told the attendant of the problem. The attendant asked if they had anything that would hold liquid. The sisters replied that the only container they had in the car was a bed-pan. The attendant answered that that would hold enough gas to get them back to the station, he would fill their tank and they would be on their way. So the sisters walked back to the car, got the bed-pan and returned to the gas station where the attendant put gas in it. They then very carefully returned to the car and just as they were pouring from the bed-pan into the gas tank two elders rode by on bicycles. One said to the other:

"Now you see, elder, that's faith!"

Ron Cappelli

And the Lord spoke unto Noah saying, "Noah, I have seen the wickedness
of man, and I will destory the earth with a great flood except for a few
special people who obey me. But before I do that I want you to build me
an ark."

Suddenly there was a bolt of lightning and a large set of blueprints
appeared next to Noah. The Lord said, "This is how I want the ark to
look like. When you are through building it, I want you to gather two of
every kind of animal and put them in the ark. You have only six months
to do all this. If the ark isn't built by then, you better know how to
swim for a very long time."

Suddenly another bolt of lightning hit the ground near where Noah was
standing, just to emphasize his point.

Six months later, dark clouds began to fill the sky. The Lord called for
Noah but heard no reply. Looking around he found Noah sitting next to a
tree and weeping. Looing around some more, the Lord didn't see any ship.
"Noah," he demanded, "Where is the ark I commanded thee to build?"

Noah replied, "Please Lord, don't be angry with me. I tried but it
wasn't easy. First of all, when I started, the city building inspector
came by and said I couldn't build anything without a work permit, so I
had to go down to city hall and fill out all the papers. Then it took
several weeks after that before they approved my project.

"When I tried starting again, the carpenter's union came by and told me
that I had to use their workers or they would picket my construction
site, so I was forced to hire 16 laborers. Then the neighbors complained
that the ark would be an eye sore to the neighborhood, so I had to go to
city hall and get a zoning ordinance passed to allow me to build on my
own property.

"As soon as I started cutting down the trees, the Environmental
Protection Agency came by and said that I had to do an environmental
damage assessment first to make sure that I didn't endager the habitat
of the spotted owl which lives in the woods. Then the Occupational
Safety and Hazard Administration wanted to look at my blueprints. They
said the ark didn't have any fire sprinklers and that it violated other
health and safety rules, so I had to hire some engineers to redesign the
plans you gave to me.

"The the Civil Liberties Union came in and said that my work force was
not racially diverse enough, so I had to hire new workers to comply with
their ethinic minority standards. When the Army Corps of Engineers found
out that I was preparing for a flood, they said I had to give them a
flood damage assessment report and provide plans of how I intended to
contain and controll the flooding.

"But that's not the worse part of it. When the Sierra Club heard that I
was taking two of every animal on board, they filed suit against me
saying that I was violating the rights of the animals.

"Lord, I tried to do as you asked, but I'm going to need more time. I'm
going to need years more time."

Suddenly the sky began to clear and a beautiful rainbow appeared. Noah
looked up and asked, "Lord, does that mean you're not going to destroy
the earth?"

A gloomy voice from heaven said, "Noah, it looks like someone already
has."

smiling.gif (1578 bytes)

Ron Cappelli

President Hinkly was to give a talk across town to a group of
distinquished business men. They sent over a big limosene to pick him up
at the church office building and when it arrived the chaufer got out of
the front seat, walked toward the back and opened the door for the
President. As they were traveling through town, President Hinkly was
talking to the driver and told him he'd never been in a car that was so
long. Then he asked the chaufer if he could drive it for awhile. "Sure,"
the chaufer said, "but under one condition." The chaufer said that in
all of his years of driving he never had anyone chaufer him around. So
President Hinckly got behind the steering wheel and the chaufer got way
in the back. The car had much more power than the President realized and
before he knew it he was way over the speed limit. Suddenly he looked in
his rear view mirror and saw a set of flashing blue lights right behind
him. The President pulled over and the police officer came up to the
front door. After he looked at the name on the driver's license, he went
back to his patrol car and radioed into headquarters.
"Get me the chief!" he said excitedly. When the chief came on the
radio, he asked what was the matter.
"Chief, I need some advise. I just pulled somebody over for speeding
who's pretty big and powerful. What do you want me to do?"
"Who is it?" the chief asked. "Is it the mayor?"
"No chief. He much bigger than that."
"Is it the govenor?" the chief asked, getting a little worried.
"No, cheif. He's a lot bigger than that."
The chief had no idea who it was so he asked, "Well, who is it?"
"I don't really know," came the officer's reply, "But I can tell you
this much. President Hinckly is his chaufer."

 

Ismar Vallecillos

Two missionaries were on their mission in Africa and were no having success. After days of looking and finding no one, they found a lion. One missionary said to the other:"I have an idea. Let's teach the first discussion to the lion. I t will help us to practice and maybe he will converted." But before they could start teaching him, the lion leaped towards them and began chasing them, so the 2 missionaries took off running. After a while they began to get tired and the lion began to catch up. Upon seeing their situation the missionaries decided to pray for a miracle, so they stopped, knelt down, and began to pray. After a while of praying they noticed that the lion didn't eat them, so they opened their eyes and saw the lion kneeing with them. One of the missionaries turn to the other and says:" Look, he is praying. We did it! We converted him!" then began celebrating, when the lion looks at them and says" Hey I am just blessing my food!"

 

Denise Mcraney

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their
pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until
they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to
stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their
pocket and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys
then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for
you. One for me..."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear
them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they
were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come
quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they
reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell
silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. Both people listened intently and heard
the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent. Until a few moments later as the
Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other,
"Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them
all."

Denise Mcraney

An old married couple were driving through Louisiana on vacation. As they
approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of
the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The girl leaned over the counter
and said "Burrrrrrrr-gurrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

unknown

My brother thinks he is a chicken. "So what are you gonna do?" "nothing, i need the eggs!!!

In an aeroplane met 3 very important persons: Gorbaciov, the ex leader of Russia,   very famous but unpopular american (you can chose the name) and the Pope. During the flight the pilot warn the Vips :"The engine is broken and we have only 3 parachutes!" Gorbaciov said:" I gave the democracy to the russians, so i am too important for them, i take one and I will jump" The american said:" I am the smartest man of Unites states, the Americans can't stay without me, i take the other one and I will jump." Well the Pope thought just a little bit and after he said:" I am supposed to be a man of charity so you can have the last one" But the pilot said:" Don't worry Pope we are both safe!" "Why?" asked the Pope "Because the smartest man of the United States took the sleeping bag!

"What would you do" ask the mother in law to her son in law, if my daughter would dye? "It would drive me crazy" Answered the son in law. " Well you surprised me, I thought you would say I would get married again" "Well it would drive me crazy, but not to that point!"

An old couple goes to a musuem of modern art. Suddenly the woman said to the husband:"Look at that beatifull scuplture" "Are you crazy, it is a fire extinguisher"

An old scottish guy, very scrooge, is attending a funeral. Suddenly a person said:" This guy was a very nice guy we have to honor him at the best, so we can leave some money on his grave to be devolved for a good work" The scottish was afraid to do that so he went to the last position in the line, trying to have more time to think about this big problem. Every person was putting any sort of cash on the grave, a lot of cash, and the scottish was counting everithing, when it was his moment He said:" unfortunally i am out of cash and I would like to leave a 1,000 dollars, i see there are 99,000 dollars here, well i will make a check for this Guy for 100,000 dollars AND I WILL TAKE THE CHANGE"

 

Denise McRaney

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster that an
ambulance....
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry
and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want
to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood
suckin creatures...

Unknown

In the school on he third grade the teacher asks :"What is the name of the first lady?" A boy answers :" I saw her many times lately on tv" " Well tell me tha name" I am not sure , reply the boy, but i guess is Monica, right?"

Last Updated on Monday, 17 May 2010 13:51  

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