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John Madden was in Atlanta to announce a football game one weekend
when he noticed a special phone near the Falcons' bench. He asked the
coach what it was for & was told it was a hotline to God. John asked if
he could use it. Coach told him, "Sure, but it'l cost you $100."
Madden scratched his head, then thought, what the heck I need a break
picking the games. He pulled out his wallet & paid the $100. Madden
was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in Florida when he noticed the same kind
of phone on the Miami bench. He asked the coach what the phone was for
& was told, "It's the hotline to God & if you want to use it'l cost
$150."
Recalling last week, Madden pulled out his wallet, paid the money &
made the call. Madden was perfect that week.

The next weekend Madden was in BYU Stadium in Provo Utah when he noticed
the same kind of phone by the Cougar's bench. He asked coach, Lavell
Edwards, "Is that phone the hotline to God?"

Lavell said, "Yes & if you want to use it, it'l cost 35 cents."
Madden looked incredulously at the Edwards & said, "Wait a second, I
just paid $100 at Atlanta & $150 at Miami to use the same phone to God.
Why does BYU only charge 35 cents?"

Lavell looked at Madden & replied, "In Utah it's a local call.

McDonald's Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's
fast-food establishment........and they hired him!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available.
If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the
first
place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we
can
haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a
more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one,
would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do
you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas
with
a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since
sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Sacrament Meeting Football Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during meeting. Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during Sacrament. Halftime - The period between Sacrament and Sunday School when many choose to leave. Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit. Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the meeting. Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of tithing that should be given to the Lord's work. Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the meeting is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings. Instant Replay - The speaker loses his/her notes and falls back on last week's Sunday School lesson. Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the meeting goes into "overtime". Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep. End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any visitor or fellow member. Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the meeting to affect your life. Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation to ditch out after Sacrament Meeting. Sacked - Being asked to speak in Sacrament meeting (tomorrow). Blitz - The rush for the refrigerator following the closing prayer on fast Sunday.

1. We believe that elders should move pianos, washers, dryers and several 50 pound bags of storage wheat through narrow hallways, tight door jams and at least one flight of stairs. 2. We believe that the Relief Society is called to provide meals for the needy. We do not believe that the priesthood should cook for anyone, except missionaries, and then it's limited to ordering pizza. 3. We believe in tuna casserole with stale cracker or old potato chip topping, served in a Tupperware dish with a piece of masking tape the bottom that reads Jones, Smith or Brown. And as a side dish we believe that green Jell-O with shaved carrot topping should be served at all church functions, including funerals. 4. We believe that women should stop having children at 35, because 36 is too many. 5. We believe in keeping the Sabbath day holy. But it is okay to watch professional sports as long as the athlete is a descendant of Young, is a convert to the church or owns a professional team in Utah. 6. We believe that drinking caffeinated drinks is not a violation of the Word of Wisdom, as long as they are cold. 7. We believe that ward phone lists are good multi-marketing tools. 8. We believe that Sunday drives are okay as long as it's not on a speed boat or dirt bike. 9. We believe in enduring to the end of the stake high counselors talk and nursery callings. 10. We believe that sleeping on the floor during General Conference is okay, after all, we can read every talk in the conference issue of the Ensign. 11. We believe that ex-Mormons who write anti-Mormon literature are going to hell. 12. We believe that sleeping during sacrament meeting is the highest form of meditation. 13. We believe in kicking our sons out of the house at 19 years old, sending them to a foreign country like Chile, Japan, Germany or New Jersey for two years, and in telling them that they will return men because of it, while, at the same time, sending them dozens of stale cookies and wasting postage by mailing one shoe at a time. We also believe in sending young women away for 18 months when they turn 21, as long as they are not engaged to be married.

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute: "Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are, where you live and what you want. Stay on the line so that we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress syndrome, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson 24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION 23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 12. EASY UNIX 11. SADDAM HUSSEIN'S TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY And the Number One World's Shortest Book: 1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES by Bill Clinton

14 Signs That You're Getting Old 1. You sit down to breakfast and hear "Snap, Crackle, and Pop" and you haven't even poured milk on your cereal yet. 2. You get up to change the TV channel and decide as long as you're up, you might as well go to bed. 3, You start complaining that "They're building car seats too darn low!" 4. Your ears perk up when a LAXATIVE COMMERCIAL comes on the TV. 5. You call the place you keep leftovers the "ICEBOX". 6. No matter where you sit, no matter where you are, THERE'S ALWAYS A DRAFT ON YOU. 7. You complain that the cleaners has started shrinking your clothes. 8. You wonder why everyone else is starting to mumble. 9. Lawn care has become a pretty BIG part of your life. 10. Your underwear starts creeping up on you. AND YOU ENJOY IT! 11. You start videotaping DAYTIME game shows. 12. When you do the HOKEY POKEY and you "put your left hip out" IT STAYS OUT. 13. One of the throw pillows on your bed is a HOT WATER BOTTLE. 14. You think of a "quickie" as napping at the traffic light.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY A DOG IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN: 10. A dog's parents will never visit you. 9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor. 8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink. 7. A dog never expects you to telephone. 6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday. 5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life. 4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog. 3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day. 2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you. 1. A dog does not shop. HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN: 1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. 2. Dogs miss you when you're gone. 3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong. 4. Dogs admit when they're jealous. 5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. 6. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.) 7. You can train a dog. 8. Dogs are easy to buy for. 9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you). 10. Dogs understand what "no" means. 11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you. HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME: 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. 6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut. 0. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman. 12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

Sara, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Sara,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Sara. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Sara asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Sara knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Sara replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay Sara. "Oh, and by the way," said Sara, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Tech Support Request Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker night 10.3 and Beer bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me? Jonathan Powell Dear Jonathan Powell, This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings- Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download similar products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0 -Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD -Frequently use Communicator 5.0 Tech Support

Anyone need to make an exchange? Head towards your nearest Wal-Mart! Please feel free to insert the appropriate pronoun and spousal title :))))) I Took Him Back to WalMart My husband and I fought constantly, Why I married him, I'll never know. For all those miserable years I said My hubby has got to go! Tried poisoning cakes, stripping his brakes, Salting his pork chops with lime. Wiring his chair, igniting his hair Even though playing with fire is a crime. But I failed at each plot 'til I suddenly thought Of a way that would set me free! I got rid of him for good and, know what? They couldn't do a thing to me! I took him back to WalMart! They'll take anything back you know! They said they couldn't recall selling him, But they must have if I said so. They just credited him to my Visa and said, "Ya'll come back now, 'ya hear?" They were so nice, polite, pleasant and insistent, I took back his mother the next year! They'll take anything back at WalMart, Though it's broken or rotten or sweet. And know what else? This time of year You don't even need a receipt!

A kindly old barber has a barber shop in a city. One day a priest goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing this as a Community Service'. The priest is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A police officer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door. Two Mormon missionaries go for a haircut and they also go to pay the Barber and barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there ? A dozen Mormon missionaries waiting for haircuts....

A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a    contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she    points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room,    I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."      The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it.    Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"      The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into    the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white,    not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out    his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans    out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but    still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She    says,    "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."      The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then    once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"!    This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time    I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the    window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"      The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying    sod across the street."

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Stevie mentions that they ought to get together and play a few holes. "You play golf!?" asks Jack. Stevie says, "Yes, I have been playing for years." "But I thought you were blind; how can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks. " I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie. "But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice." Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?" "Well, I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack. Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime." Wonder replies, "Well, people don’t take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I’m up for that. When would you like to play?" "I don’t care - any night next week is OK with me."

While browsing through some dust covered archival material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment.  After some effort he translated it and found that it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "Magister Fastorium," or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, 2 BC, November 24 or 2000 years ago. The text of the message follows: Message from: Rome January 18,  1 B.C. Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards.  You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in the consulting astrologers, but they simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work. As usual, the consultants charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are 3 wise guys in the East working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive till it's all over. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway we are continuing to work on this blasted Y zero K problem and I will send you a parchment if anything further develops. Plutonius.

One day while walking down the street a highly successful executive woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.      "Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see,  strangely enough, we've never once had   an executive make it to heaven and we're not really quite sure what to do with you."       "No problem, just let me in." said the woman.       "Well, I'd like to," said St. Peter, "but I have a higher authority to consider.  Please wait."  With that St. Peter disappeared and within seconds reappeared.      "What has been decided is that we're going to let you spend a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then let you choose whichever place you want to spend your eternity."        "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.       "Sorry, rules are rules...."  And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down to hell. When the doors opened she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.  They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.  Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.        The elevator went up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for her.       "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing.  She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up.     St. Peter came to get her. "So, now you've spent a day in heaven and a  day in hell.  Now you must choose your eternity."        The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."      So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator, hit the down button, sending her back to Hell.      When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in  a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and Filth.  She saw that her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.      "I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all that there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."       The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you;  today, you're staff." -------------------------------------------------------

There was a church where the preacher and the song leader were not getting along.  This began to spill over into the worship service. One week the preacher preached on commitment, and how we should dedicate ourselves to service. The song leader then led the song, I Shall Not Be Moved. The next Sunday, the preacher preached on giving and how we should gladly give to the work of the Lord.  The song leader then led the song; Jesus Paid It All. The next Sunday, the preacher preached on gossiping and how we should watch our tongues. The song leader then led the song; I Love To Tell the Story The preacher became very disgusted over the situation, and the next Sunday he told the congregation he was considering resigning. The song leader then led the song; Oh, Why Not Tonight. As it came to pass, the preacher resigned and the next week informed the church that it was Jesus that led him there and it was Jesus that was taking him away. The song leader then led the song, What A Friend We Have in Jesus.

Recently, just as an ecumenical gathering was commencing, a secretary rushed in shouting,  "The building is on fire!!"       a.. The Methodists gathered in a corner and prayed.       b.. The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"       c.. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire          brings.       d.. The Lutherans posted a notice on the door declaring the fire          was evil.       e.. The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.       f.. The Jews posted symbols on the doors hoping the fire would          pass.       g.. The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself."       h.. The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"       i.. The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.       j.. The Christian Scientists concluded that the fire would burn          itself  out.       k.. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson, who was to appoint          a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.       l.. The Unity Students proclaimed the fire had no power over them.       m.. Some Atheists in attendance didn't believe that there was a          fire.       n.. The Secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire          out. AND       o..  The Mormons, having arrived fifteen minutes late, missed the          fire  completely!!! DIARY OF A BIBLE Diary Of A Bible JANUARY: A busy time for me.  Most of the family decided to read me through this year. They kept me busy for the first two weeks, but they have forgotten me now. FEBRUARY: Clean-up time. I was dusted yesterday and put in my place. My owner did use me for a few minutes last week. He had been in an argument and was looking up some references to prove he was right. MARCH: Had a busy day first of the month. My owner was elected president of the PTA & used me to prepare a speech. APRIL: Grandpa visited us this month. He kept me on his lap for an hour reading I Cor 13. He seems to think more of me than do some people in my own household. MAY: I have a few green stains on my pages.  Some spring flowers were pressed in my pages. JUNE: I look like a scrapbook. They have stuffed me full of newspaper clippings - one of the girls was married. JULY: They put me in a suitcase today. I guess we are off on vacation. I wish I could stay home; I know I'll be closed up in this thing for at least two weeks. AUGUST: Still in the suitcase. SEPTEMBER: Back home at last and in my old familiar place. I have a lot of company. Two women's magazines and four comic books are stacked on top of me. I wish I could be read as much as they are. OCTOBER: They read me a little bit today. One of them is very sick. Right now I am sitting in the center of the coffee table. I think the Pastor is coming by for a visit. NOVEMBER: Back in my old place. Somebody asked today if I were a scrapbook. DECEMBER: The family is busy getting ready for the holidays. I guess I'll be covered up under wrapping paper & packages again ... just as I am every Christmas. -Author Unknown (or not noted)

How many mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: 1,331 1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs 27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs 53 to flame the spell checkers 41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames 156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list 109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to another list 203 to demand that cross posting to other lists about changing light bulbs be stopped 111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this mail list 3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list 306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty 27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs 14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs 33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too." 12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversey 19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three." 4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ 48 to propose new change.lite.bulb newsgroup 47 to say there is already an alt.light.bulb newsgroup 143 to ask if anyone ever did change the lightbulb 258 to check the math on this report to make sure all 1,331 people are fully involved in the process and finally 1 to post a question to the entire mail list subscriber group asking if a light bulb needs changing.

Did vou bear about the guy that lost his lelt arm and leg in a car

crash?

He's all ~ght now.

How do crazy people ~ through the forest?

They taae the psych~ path.

~ ~l get holy water?

out of it.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a iightbulb?

She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

Natioaal Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

N~~aItOdCo~ou call cheese that isn't yours?

cese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

What do you get from a panipered cow?

Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vaiiipire'~

Frostbite.

What do you get wlien you cross an elephant and a skin doctor9

A pachyderinatologist

What is a zebra?

26 sizes larger tlian an "A" bra.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Sanka.

and what kind of lettuce?

Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Ainyoue can roast beef.

Where do you fmd a~no legged dog?

Right where you lelt him.

Where do you get virgir wool from?

Ugly sheep.

whv are there so many Smiths in the phone book?

They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

Thcy're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do goriHas have bi~ nostrils?

Because they have big fiugers.

Why did the Sianiese twiias go to England? So the other one

ooiald'iave a

chanceto drive!

What do you get when cross a Godfather with a lawyer? An offer

~~ou

can't understand.

~ do you get when you cross LSD with the pill? A trip without the

kids!

I was just wondering if you choke a smurf~ what color does it

turn'?

job. SoL

How many SEC students does it take to change a light bulb? Well... At Vanderbilt it takes two. One to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy Leaguer. t Georgia it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Georgia Tech and get instructions. At Florida it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, and three to figure out how to get high off the old one. At Alabama it takes five. One to change it, two to talk about how Bear would have done it, and two to throw the old bulb at Auburn students. At Ole Miss it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks,and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion. At LSU it takes seven, and each one gets credit for four semester hours for it At Kentucky it takes eight. One to screw it in, and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season. At Tennessee it takes ten. Two to figure out how to screw it in,two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how Phillip Fulmer is too stupid to do it. At Mississippi State it takes fifteen. One to screw in the bulb,two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to shout, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS, GO TO HELL!!!" At Auburn it takes 100. One to change it, 49 to talk about how they do it better than Bama, and 50 who realize it's all a lie At South Carolina it takes 80,000. One to screw it in, and 79,999 to discuss how this will finally be the year they have a good football team. At Arkansas it takes none. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

EVERYTHING I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK   1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.   2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask   you to do something REALLY big.   3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.   4. Build on the high ground.   5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.   6. Two heads are better than one.   7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were on   board, but so were the snails.   8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!   9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones   on earth.   10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.   11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there and   complain-- shovel!   12. Stay below deck during the storm.   13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic   was built by professionals.   14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.   15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than   the storm outside.   16. Don't miss the boat.   17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a rainbow on the other   side. NEVER" QUOTES *Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier. -Anonymous *Never accept a drink from a urologist. --Erma Bombeck *Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial. --Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam" *Never say "Oops" in the operating room. --Dr. Leo Troy *Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire. --Dan Zevin *Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day. --Harry S. Truman *Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local sheriff's 16-year-old daughter on your lap. --Anonymous member of a chaingang *Never use while sleeping. --Instruction on Conair hair dryer *Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's noend to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's alwaysgonna be me!" --Rita Rudner *Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. --Woodrow Wilson *Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.--Winston Churchill *Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. --John Peers *Never pick a fight with anyone who buys ink by the barrel. --American adage about newspaper editors. *Never ruin an apology with an excuse. --Kimberly Johnson *Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. That way, if he doesn't like what you have to say, it'll be OK because you'llbe amile way and you'll have his shoes. *Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. --Hanlon's Razor *Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it. --Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb *Never eat more than you can lift. --Miss Piggy *Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. --Sam Brown, The Washington Post *Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. --Salvor Hardin *Never try to out-stubborn a cat. --Lazarus Long *Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing. *Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked "petite"and hold on to the receipt. *Never blame a legislative body for not doing something. When they do nothing, they don't hurt anybody. When they do something is when they become dangerous.

THE LOCH NESS MONSTER AND THE ATHEIST An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air then opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place and, as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" The Atheist continues, "God, please let the Loch Ness Monster be a Christian." God replies, "So be it." The scene starts up, atheist falling. The Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, "Lord, bless this food you have so graciously provided."

A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door,and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse manure, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" the Salesman says,"why do you ask?" She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I`ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible more, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I`m real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you`ve studied your bible diligently, but you didn`t get a hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know dad, I`ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"

A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she"; and her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first consisted of women, and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation. The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because: 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on. 2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless. 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem. 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model. The men, on the other hand, concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because: 1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic. 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else. 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval. 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

MESS TEST Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains.  Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.  Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.  Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos.  (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.  Put on a blindfold.  Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.  Do not scream (this could wake a child at night). GROCERY STORE TEST Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.  Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage. DRESSING TEST Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside. FEEDING TEST Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.  Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.  Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor. NIGHT TEST Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water.  At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM.  Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM.  Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard.  Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM.  Set alarm for 5:00 AM.  Get up and make breakfast.  Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. PHYSICAL TEST Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months.  Now remove 10% of the beans.  Purchase a newspaper.  Go home and read it quietly for the last time. FINAL ASSIGNMENT Find a couple who already have a small child.  Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners.  Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience.  It will be the last time you will have all the answers! 1. Buy a new bathing suit and swim in the fountain 2. Bring a bunch of pants in to the dressing room. Come out later and tell the salesperson none of them are leakproof. 3. Ask if a particular saw cuts through bone. 4. Get on the first step of the stairs, wait, and tell other people the escalator must be broken. 5. Pose as a dummy in a department store. 6. Ask the casheir if they take pesos. 7. Ask the sales person in the pet store if gerbils come in bulk and if they have much white meat on them. 8. Ride the elevator all day. 9. Buy a bunch of clothes. Return them later, and when the salesperson asks why, say "they didn't look good on my dog" 10. Come in to the drug store looking deppressed. Ask if they have over-the-counter prozac. 11. Stay in the magazine store all day and read the magazines cover to cover. 12. If you are a guy, go in to a womans clothing store, and bring dresses into the dressing room with you. Come out, and in you're most feminie voice say "they just aren't me" 13. Do cartwheels down the main part of the mall. 14. Wear sunglasses, carry a cane, and set up a pot in front of you that says "help me, I'm blind" see how much money you can get. 15. Test all the matresses and beds. 16. Go to sleep in the bed display at department stores. Stir and snore when people walk by. 17. Ask to hold one of the dogs in the pet store. Let it escape. 18. Go into Pier 1 and ask if they have any big pieces of junk made of straw. 19. Knock over displays. 20. Rock back and forth slowly in front of a security camara. *************************************************** A bunch of stuff to ponder on If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box? When a cow laughs does milk come up its nose? Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines? How did a fool and his money GET together? If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan? How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? What's another word for thesaurus? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? What do they use to ship Styrofoam? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container? Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets? How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet? When you choke a Smurf what color does it turn? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs? Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer? What was the best thing before sliced bread? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Is it possible to be totally partial? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with the lights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds? ************************************************

Penn State University                                Entrance exam                           Football player version                            Time limit:   3 weeks 1.  What language is spoken in France? 2.  Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - or - give the first name of Pierre Trudeau. 3.  Would you ask William Shakespeare to:       a. build a bridge       b. sail the ocean       c. lead an army       d. write a play 4. What religion is the Pope?        a. Jewish        b. Catholic        c. Hindu        d. Polish        e. Agnostic        (check only one) 5. Metric conversion - -  how many feet are in 0.0 meters? 6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5? 7. How many commandments was Moses given?  (APPROX.) 8. What are the people in America's far north called?           a. westerners           b. southerners           c. easterners           d. northerners 9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton. 10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called George the Sixth.  Name the previous five. 11. Where does the rain come from?             a. Macy's             b. 7-11             c. Canada             d. The Sky 12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?              a. yes              b. no 13. What are coat hangers used for? 14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country? 15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium - or - spell your name in block letters. 16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located? 17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?             a. New York             b. FLORIDA             c. Canada             d. Wisconsin 18. Advanced math,  If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have? 19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for? 20. The  Penn State University tradition for efficiency began when?             a. B.C.             b. A.D.             c. STILL WAITING * YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator 1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. 2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5. Sell Girl Scout cookies. 6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7. Shave. 8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" 9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down. 10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!" 13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 14. One word: Flatulence! 15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16. Do Tai Chi exercises. 17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!" 18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally. 21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!" 23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons. 25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side. 27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!" 29. Leave a box between the doors. 30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it. 32. Start a sing-along. 33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?" 34. Play the harmonica 35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor. 37. Lean against the button panel. 38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons. 39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41. Bring a chair along. 42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body." 46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively. 47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger." 50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Top 25 Differences Between Highschool And Collage  25. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.  24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college food must be provided at an event before students will come.  23 . In high school, you carry your book bag on one shoulder. In college you carry your book bag on both shoulders.  22. In college professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide.  21. In college there are not 'Tardy Slips' 20. In high school you live with your parents. In college you live with your friends.           19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be 'cool'.  18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school because the cool kids 'didn't know what it was'.  17. In high school you're told what classes to take. In college you get to choose, that is as long as the classes don't conflict, that you have the prerequisites, that the classes           aren't closed, and that you have paid your tuition.  16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk to the professor. 15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration. In college, the fire drills are planned by drunk fraternity guys coming home when the bars have finally stopped serving them.  14 .In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade that your high   school final exams ever did.  13. In high school, when the teacher said "Good Morning" you mumbled something  back. In college, when the teacher says "Good Morning", you write that shit down.  12. In high school, freshmen guys hit on senior gilrs. In college, senior guys hit on freshmen girls. 11. In college, the weekends start on Thursday. (WOOHOO!!)  10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of that man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be on campus at a certain time so you can 'accidentally' bump into him/her.  9 .Once you've obtained the info in #10, its much more time-consuming to run between  classes to that place where you know he/she will be to 'accidentally' bump into them.  8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.  7. In high school you drink Coca Cola. In college you dilute Vodka.  6. In high school it never three weeks to get money from mom and dad to go on a date.  5 .College men are 'hot' while high school BOYS are 'cute'.  4 .College women are legal. (WOOHOO!!)  3. In college, when you miss a class, you don't need a slip from your parents saying you were skipp-... uh, sick that day.  2. In high school you can't go off campus for lunch because it is not allowed. In college you can't go off campus for lunch because you can't afford it. 1. In high school, people that were on drugs, drank, were zoned-out, had untidy clothes or hair were called dorks. In college they're called 'cool'.  50 things to do to your new neighbors 1. Constanly ring their door bell and run away. When they catch you, ask them who they are and what they had done with Mrs. Butterfield. Work up tears if possible. 2. Bring over a a covered plate with one store-bought cookie in it. Tell them that you took all day to cook it. 3. Put red food cloring on your pets mouth. Bring it over to the neighbors and ask them if they want to pet Scruffy. 4. Practice yoga on their front lawn. 5. When they come home and get out of their car, always go outside and wave and smile at them. 6. Offer to walk their dog (if they don't have one). When they say they don't have one, look surprised and walk away. 7. Call their house. Ask them why that mysterious man is climbing through their back window. 8. Ask if you can mow their lawn for cash. When you mow it, use the mover to draw pictures in the grass. When they complain about it, say "The last person who lived here loved it" or break down in tears and run inside your house. 9. Put up Christmas lights in July, send them Christmas candy and cards. When they do not do the same, ask why they have to be a grouch during the holiday season. 10. Throw old smelly socks over. When they throw it back over or try to return it, throw it back over. Continue until they give up. If they ask why you are doing it, tell them you have no idea what they are talking about and tell them they need a better way to get rid of their waste. 11. Put disks in their mailbox with the title "TOP SECRET GOVERMENT INFORMATION" written on it. Put on the disk a document in which is written like "rigfruyuapyuftuynuapcurdp75347286548tcmjy4rt8v" and so forth. 12. Ask them to come over to dinner and tell them you are going to serve our favorite- Monkey Brains and Broccoli. 13. When they are out at night, making digging sounds and then a big thump and more digging sounds. 14. Ask to see their screwdriver. When they hand it to you, stick it in your hand, making a painful expression, and hand it back to them with a thanks of relief. 15. Carve your intials in their front door. 16. Send your little sister/brother over as a singing telling gram to sing pop-goes-the-weasel 8,000 times. 17. Park your car on your front lawn. 18. Play polka music 24 hours a day. 19. Always pick up newspaper in the morning butt-naked. 20. If they set up a lemonade stand (their kids), ask to see their business lisence. When they can't show it, proclaim that you are reporting them to the police and they are going to do some serious time. 21. When talking to them, always use a Southern accent. When they ask about it, looked surprised and say that you were born and raised in Boston. 22. Leave curede milk on their porch. Tell them the fad of the milk man has come back in this neighborhood. 23. Put out a new flag everyday. Tell them you try to celebrate every holiday you can. 24. Sit out in front yard. Pratice your fly fishing with all of your gear on. 25. Don't read the newspaper. Just put every issue on a stack on your porch. 26. Tear out your front lawn, fence it. 27. Put in a garden and surround the gate with cheap toys you use you play with as a child. 28. Leave empty wine and beer bottles in their recycle bin. 29. Put a scarecrow on front lawn. 30. Paint your house lime green or dark purple. 31. Put sandbag army barriers surrounding your house. 32. Bask on your driveway when its -30û 33. Stick pages of the phone book in their mailbox with ramdon number highlighted. 34. Put antennas all over your roof. 35. Sell bags of powerdered sugar to little kids in front of your house. 36. Cover their car with shaving cream and attempt to shave it. 37. Shoot paint guns at their house. Dress in camophaluge if posssible. 38. Play the National Antem with a nosy brass/woodwind instrument on your roof. 39. Never water your lawn, but always water the driveway. 40. Camp out in your front lawn. 41. Ask if you can rent your car. 42. Let chickens roam freely. 43. Every other time you go outside, wear a body suit under your clothes. Tell your neighbor its a new diet your on. 44. Talk to the plants in your and your neighbor's yards. 45. Paint the lawn. 46. Offer to give free hair cuts. 47. Leave ABC gum on their doormat. 48. Send the Juhovah Witness Missionaries to their house for a year on a weekly bases. 49. Hit golf balls into their lawn. Dig up their lawn when you hit the golf ball off their lawn. 50. Mix fertalizer and alphfa seeds and fertalize their lawn. The results: four feet of alphfa

eems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!" [3] -+- If a swamp frog goes ribb-it....ribb-it....ribb-it; and a Busch frog goes bud....wis....er; What does an computer frog sound like? <Scroll down! <Brace yourself   <This is really gonna hurt! Re-boot...Re- boot...Re-boot [4] -+-

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean) 10. I think of you as a brother.(You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in 'Deliverance.') 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work.(I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.) In response...The male perspective on the same issue... Top 10 rejection lines given by Men (and what they actually mean...) 10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.) 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.) 6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.) 5. I don't date women where I work.) (You're ugly.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.) 2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.) 1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.) Chris(Austin)D.

EMail Blues You know it's time to join E-Mail Anonymous when... 1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed. 2. You name your children eudora, aol and dotcom. 3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. 5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. 6. You laugh at people with 14.4-baud modems. 7. You start using smileys in your snail mail. 8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading. 10. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 11. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. 12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral screen names and you never bothered to ask. 13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape. 14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html 15. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to a friend.

he following are actual signs seen in various places across the good ol' U.S.A.: At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager." On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy" In the window of a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" On a New York convalescent home: "For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church." On a Maine shop: "Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship." At a number of military bases: "Restricted to unauthorized personnel." On a display of "I love you only" Valentine cards: "Now available in multi-packs." In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: "Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work." In a funeral parlor: "Ask about our layaway plan." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In the window of an Oregon store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?" In a New England restaurant: "Open 7 days a week and weekends." On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak." On the vestry of a New England church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished." In a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves." On a roller coaster: "Watch your head." On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission." On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable." Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car." And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that reads, "Do not throw stones at this sign."

The local NBA team is named after the entire state instead of a city. Schools stay open if two feet of snow falls overnight but close for the opening of hunting season. People wear shorts and t-shirts if the temperature rises above 32 degrees. Your neighbors complain about where they live, yet they refuse to return to the state they moved from. There is a church on every corner but they all teach the same thing. You go to a wedding reception where the bride isn't pregnant, but her mother is. The most popular public transportation system is a ski lift. People drive to Idaho to pick up a gallon of milk so they can play the lottery. College football rivalries are bigger than the Super Bowl. Beer drinkers don't shop on Sunday. You don't have to breathe cigarette smoke until you walk outside a building. The cost of living rises while your salary drops. Every driveway has a mini-van and a pickup truck. When you buy an automobile, cigarette lighters are optional equipment but gun and ski racks come standard. Every time a new family moves into your neighborhood the local elementary school has to hire a new teacher. Your paycheck has an additional 10% deduction. Ninety percent of the population was born in California. The July 4th celebration lasts 20 days. More movies are filmed in your town than in Hollywood. You've never had a Mormon missionary knock on your door.

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you? "I'm four and a half!" You're never 36 and a half. You're four and a half...going on five! That's the key! You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 13, but hey, you're *gonna* be 16! And then the greatest day of your life happens...you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony' ~~*YOU BECOME 21 *~~YYYYYYES!!! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. "He TURNED, we had to throw him out." There's no fun now, you're just a sourpuss. What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the breaks, it's all slipping away. Before you know, it, you REACH 50...and your dreams are gone. But wait, you MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you would!!! So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50, and MAKE IT to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing; you HIT Wednesday. You get into your 80's, and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30. You REACH bedtime. (My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. It's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.) And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens. If you MAKE it over 100, you become a little kid again. I'm 100 and a half.

HIM:   1. Pull up to ATM   2. Insert card   3. Enter PIN number   4. Take cash, card and receipt   5. Lose receipt and neglect to tell wife about withdrawl.   HER:   1. Pull up to ATM   2. Check makeup in rearview mirror   3. Shut off engine   4. Put keys in purse   5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine   6. Hunt for card in purse   7. Insert card   8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it   9. Enter PIN number   10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.   11. Hit "cancel"   12. Re-enter correct PIN number   13. Check balance   14. Look for envelope   15. Look in purse for pen   16. Make out deposit slip   17. Endorse checks   18. Make deposit   19. Study instructions   20. Make cash withdrawal   21. Get in car   22. Check makeup   23. Look for keys   24. Start car   25. Check makeup   26. Start pulling away   27. STOP   28. Back up to machine   29. Get out of car   30. Take card and receipt   31. Get back in car   32. Put card in wallet   33. Put receipt in checkbook   34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook   35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook   36. Check makeup   37. Put car in gear, reverse   38. Put car in drive   39. Drive away from machine   40. Travel 3 miles   41. Release parking brake

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window. -- Steve Bluestone Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. -- George Carlin I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. -- Carol Leifer The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -- Roger Simon I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -- Dave Edison Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place. -- Johnny Carson I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. -- Elayne Boosler Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? -- John Mendoza I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -- Jeff Stilson The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. -- Rita Mae Brown Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. -- Jerry Seinfeld I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. -- Lily Tomlin Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. -- Lynda Montgomery "In the arms of the Angels, far away from here. In the arms of the Angels, may you find some comfort here." -Sarah McLachlan

This one explains MANY things in life . . . All babies start out with the same number of raw cells which, over nine months, develop into a complete female baby. The problem occurs when cells are instructed by the little chromosomes to make a male baby instead. Because there are only so many cells to go around, the cells necessary to develop a male's reproductive organs have to come from cells already assigned elsewhere in the female. Recent tests have shown that these cells are removed from the communications center of the brain, migrate lower in the body and develop into male sexual organs. If you visualize a normal brain to be similar to a full deck of cards, this means that males are born a few cards short, so to speak. And some of their cards are in their shorts. This difference between the male and female brain manifests itself in various ways. Little girls will tend to play things like house or learn to read. Little boys, however, will tend to do things like placing a bucket over their heads and running into walls. Little girls will think about doing things before taking any action. Little boys will just punch or kick something and will look surprised if someone asks them why they just punched their little brother who was half asleep and looking the other way. This basic cognitive difference continues to grow until puberty, when the hormones kick into action and the trouble really begins. After puberty, not only the size of the male and female brains differ, but the center of thought also differs. Women think with their heads. Male thoughts often originate lower in their bodies where their ex-brain cells reside. Of course, the size of this problem varies from man to man. In some men only a small number of brain cells migrate and they are left with nearly full mental capacity but they tend to be rather dull, sexually speaking. Such men are known in medical terms as "Republicans." Other men suffer larger brain cell relocation. These men are medically referred to as "Democrats." A small number of men suffer massive brain cell migration to their groins. These men are usually referred to as..... "Mr. President." A farmer rings up the vet and says "two of me chickens have stopped laying'" The vet says "really, how do you know?" The farmer says "I just ran over the bastards in me tractor." his door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." .."OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!" The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!" The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!" "No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!" "As there were no other applicants", the man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!" At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!" At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles." "Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replies the worker, "I-i-I j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to read it to 'em?" How do you get a blond to stay in the shower all day? .........Give her a bottle of shampoo that says "Rinse and Repeat".What do you call a blond with a high I.Q.? ............ A golden retriever. Why did the blond drive into the ditch? .............. Her blinker was on. What do you call a bunch of blonds in a Volkswagen? ..........Farfromthinkin. Did you hear about the blond who broke her leg while raking leaves? ................ She fell out of the tree. Why don't blonds make ice cubes? ........They keep forgetting the recipe. How do you get a blond to laugh on Friday? ...... Tell her a joke on Monday. Why does it take blonds so long to make chocolate chip cookies? ........ They have to first peel all the M & M's.... Why did they fire the blond from the M & M's factory? .......... Because she kept throwing out all the W's. Why do blonds work seven days a week? .............. So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays. Why did the blond stare at the orange juice carton? ........... Because it said "concentrate". Why couldn't the blond make Koolaid? ....... She couldn't fit two quarts of water in the little packet. How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? ..... Just one she holds the bulb in place and waits for the world to revolve around her. How do blond braincells die? ...... Alone.There were 3 blondes who found a jeanie. He granted each of them a wish. The first wished she was 50% smarter - poof she's a BRUNETTE, the second wished she was 25% smarter - poof she's a REDHEAD, the third wished she was 50% dumber - poof she's a BLOND MAN. Two blonds were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

One day an old old chapel was in need of a new paint job. The Bishop, being particularly cheap, didn't shell out the bucks to have it done professionally and had the deacons do it. The deacons did an all right job until it came time for the steeple. They used all their paint on everything else, and forgot that the steeple needed painting as well. However, Brett had a brilliant idea... Thin what little paint the had left and paint the steeple. If it doesn't rain, the paint can dry and no one would be the wiser. So they thinned and painted. They stepped back to admire their handiwork when the clouds rumbled in unexpectedly, and poured down on the freshly painted church. Amazingly, the steeple was the only area where the paint washed a way. After two minutes of heavy rain, a light broke through the clouds and illuminated the steeple. A deep voice thundered... "Repaint... Repaint and thin no more!!!"

Last Updated on Monday, 17 May 2010 13:49