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Subject: What if God had Voice Mail


Imagine praying and hearing this

"Thank you for calling My Father's House.
Please select one of the following options:

Press 1 for Requests
Press 2 for Thanksgiving
Press 3 for Complaints
Press 4 for all other inquiries."

What if God used this familiar excuse.
"I'm sorry, all the angels are helping other
customers right now.  Please stay on the line.
Your call is important to us and will be answered
in the order in which it is received."

Can you imagine getting these kinds of  responses
as you call God in prayer?

If you would like to speak to Gabriel Press 1
For Michael Press 2
For a directory of other angels Press 3
If you'd like to hear King David sing a Psalm Press 4
To find out if a loved one has been assigned to
heaven Press 5;  then enter his Social Security
number, followed by the pound key
For reservations to My Father's House Press the
letters J O H N then 3-1-6
For nagging questions about dinosaurs,
the age of the earth and where is Noah's Ark,
please wait until you arrive here.

Our computers show that you have already called once
today.
Please hang up and try again tomorrow.

This office is closed for the weekend. 
Please call again on Monday after 9:00 a.m.

Thank GOD we can call on HIM any time, day or night.
Amen



*************************************************************************
**********

Subject: Driving Permit


A young boy had just got his driver's permit and
inquired of his
father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of
the car. His
father took him  to the study and said to the boy, "I'll
make a deal
with you, son.  You  bring  your grades up from a C to a
B-average,
study your Bible a little, and  get  your hair cut and
we'll talk
about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and
decided  that
he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed.

After about six weeks  the boy came back and again asked
his father
about the car.

Again, they went to the study where his father said,
"Son, I've been
real proud of you.  You've brought your grades up, and
I've observed
that you've been studying  your Bible and participating
a lot more in

the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real
disappointed
since you  haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know
,Dad, I've
been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies
of the Bible
that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the
Baptist had long
hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself
had long hair."

To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you
also notice
that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"

These were sent to me -- good for a laugh for the teachers in the
crowd!

A first grader was sitting in class as the teacher was reading the
story

of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the
first
pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said
"...And
so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and
said
'Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house
with?'"
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man
said?"

and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I know! I know!,
He said.....'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'" The teacher was unable to
teach
for the next 10 minutes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five
and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy
father
and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us
how
to
treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family)
answered,

"Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy
Brown

had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me
catch him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes
at
the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several
strands
of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She
looks
at
her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white,
Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make
me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then
said,
"So, Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to
persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think
how
nice
it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the
teacher;
she's dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying
to

make the matter clearer, he said, "Now, boys, if I stood on my head
the
blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the
face."
"Yes, sir," the boys said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position
the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~
For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher
about

the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day
the
mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The
six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment.
Furthermore,
he
stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever
has
become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Gogh's Real Family Discovered!!!

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:

His obnoxious brother............................. Please Gogh

His dizzy aunt ....................................Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes...........Gotta Gogh

The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia.................. .......U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois..........................Chica Gogh

His magician uncle............................Wherediddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt................. ..........Tan Gogh

A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach .......... ....Wellsfar Gogh

The bird lover uncle..........................Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh

The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking.......... ....Wayto Gogh

The little bouncy nephew................. ......Poe Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gogh



Amish man in court

Unlikely as it may sound, an Amish man found himself in court.

Lawyer "And now Mr Lapp, is it true that you were at the scene of the
accident."

Amos Lapp: "Yaw. I vas der."

Lawyer: "And were you hurt in this accident."

Amos Lapp: "You betcha. Plenty. You should see de doctor bill!"

Lawyer: "But isn't it true that when the trooper asked you if you were
okay you said, 'just fine.'"

Amos Lapp: "Dat is true."

Lawyer: "Your honor, I move that this man's testimony be stricken from the
record since he can't be trusted to tell the truth."

Judge: "Amos, if you were hurt, why did you tell the officer that you were
okay?"

Amos Lapp: "Vel, yer honor, it vas like dis. After de car hit my buggy, I
vent one vay, und der dog vent de udder. Der ve vere on de
ground--my dog, my horse und me. De English police came over to der dog
und said, "Is the dog okay?" De dog, she vimper und her leg shake. De
English pulled a gun und shot her. Den to de horse he go. "Are you okay,
horse?" But de horse lay on her side und squeel wid pain. De English
pulled de gun und shot her.

Yer honor, dats when de English came to me vit gun still smokin' und asked,
'And are you okay?' Vhat vas I to say but, 'Jus fine.'"

Moses and Jesus are playing golf together. Moses steps up to tee
off and says, "Watch this." He hits the ball and it goes straight for
the water. He raises his golf club over his head, and just as the ball
bounces and begins to roll toward the water, the water parts. The golf
ball rolls across the now dry land, up onto the green and comes to rest
just a foot from the hole.
Not to be outdone, Jesus says, "Oh yeah. Well watch this shot!"
He tees off and his ball heads for the water to. It bounces, rolls and
hits the water. But instead of sinking it rolls across the water, up
onto the green and comes to rest just inches from the hole. "What do
you think of that?" he says.
Just then a crow comes along, lands on Jesus golf bag and grabs a
new golf ball out, then flies away. As the bird flies over the water
trap it drops the ball right into the middle of it. Along comes a big
fish and swallows the ball. Then, from out of nowhere comes an eagle
that swoops down and catches the fish. The eagle sors up and p with the
fish clenched in its talons, then drops the fish. The fish lands with a
plop by the hole where Moses' and Jesus' golf balls are. Its mouth
opens up and out rolls the golf ball, into the hole.
Moses is speechless. Jesus throws his club down, looks up at the
sky and yells, "Nice shot Dad!!!"

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5,
and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get
the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a
moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' "
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a
salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the
owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he
missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough
syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him
to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked
outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had
transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough
syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once,"
John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp
post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

Things I've Learned From My Children

1. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape.
2. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a

20 by 20 foot room.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already
too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it
does not leak - it explodes.
7. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot
house
4 inches deep.
8. LEGOS will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
9. Super glue is forever.
10. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
11. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't
walk on water.
12. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
13. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.
14. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
15. The fire department in Roseville has at least a 5 minute response
time.
16. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms
dizzy.
17. It will however make cats dizzy.
18. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is
=

doomed, here are
=

some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
=


On Sears hair dryer:
=

Do not use while sleeping.
=


On a bag of Fritos:
=

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details
=

inside.
=


On a bar of Dial soap:
=

Directions: Use like regular soap.
=


Some Swanson frozen dinners:
=

Serving suggestion: Defrost.
=


On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
=

Fits one head.
=


On Tesco's Tiramisu desert:
=

Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the
=

box.)
=


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
=

Product will be hot after heating
=


On packaging for a Rowenta Iron:
=

Do not iron clothes on body
=


On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine
=

Do not drive car or operate machinery
=


On Nytol (a sleep aid):
=

Warning: may cause drowsiness
=


On a Korean kitchen knife:
=

Warning keep out of children
=


On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
=

For indoor or outdoor use only.
=


On a Japanese food processor:
=

Not to be used for the other use
=


On Sainsbury's Peanuts
=

Warning: contains nuts
=


On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
=

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
=


On a Swedish chain saw:
=

Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

 

Dear Bishop Letters:

Dear Bishop, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely,
Arnold. Age 8, Nashville

Dear Bishop, Please announce that Peter Peterson has been a
good boy all week.  I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely,
Pete. Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Bishop, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a
sermon about something.
Robert, Age 11, Anderson

Dear Bishop, I'm sorry I can't donate money to the missionary fund, but
my
father didn't give me a raise in my allowance.  Could you have a  talk
about a
raise in my allowance?  Love,
Patty. Age 10, New Haven

Dear bishop, My mother is very religious.  She goes to play bingo at
church every week even if she has a cold.  Yours truly,
Annette. Age 9, Albany

Dear bishop, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my
brother won't be there.
Stephen. Age 8, Chicago

Dear Bishop, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you
moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen.  Age 9. Tacoma

Dear Bishop, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love,
Ellen, age 9. Athens

Dear Bishop, Please say a prayer for our Little League team.  We need
God's help, or a new pitcher.  Thank you.
Alexander.  Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Bishop, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments.  But I
don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua.  Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Bishop, Are there any devils on earth?  I think there may be one in
my class.
Carla.  Age 10, Salina

Dear Bishop, How does God know the good people from the bad people?  Do
you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Sincerely,
Marie.  Age 9, Lewiston

Dear Bishop, I liked your  the talks on Sunday.  Especially when they was
finished.
Ralph, Age 11, Akron

Ponder these


What occurs more often in December than any other month?
Conception.

Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite
sex.
What is it?
Skinny dipping.

What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
No theme song/music.

Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace.   This is propinquity.

Most boat owners name their boats.  What is the most popular
boat
name
requested?
Obsession

More women do this in the bathroom than men.
Wash their hands.   Women * 80%  - Men - 55%

What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
Gain weight.

In a recent survey, Americans revealed that this was their
favorite
smell.
Banana

If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go
until
you would find the letter "A"?
One thousand

What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and
laser
printers all have in common?
All invented by women.    GO GIRLS

Married men revealed that they do this twice as often as single
men.
Change their underwear.

This stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation.
Women
seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A kiss

This is the only food that doesn't spoil.
Honey

There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of
the
year.
Father's Day

What trivia fact about MEL Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most
ironic?
He was allergic to carrots.

40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do this.
Wear underwear.  OH MY!!!!!!!

What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen,
21%
hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
A fart.

About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?
Flush the toilet.

What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is
featured on

every episode of "Seinfeld"?
Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's
refrigerator.

85% of the guys who die while having sex are doing this.
Cheating on their wives.




ed was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the
recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill
herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it
over
with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to
shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where
the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be
just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the
hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

 

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better
programmer.
This goes on for a few hours until they agree to have a contest with
God as
the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin.
They type
feverishly for several hours, lines of code streaming up from the
screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition a bolt of lightning strikes,
taking out the electricity. Moments later the power is back on and
God
announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he
has done.
Satan is very upset and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when
the
power went out!"
"Very well then," says God, "let's see what Jesus has."
Jesus enters a command and the screen comes to life with a vivid
display
and angels singing from the speakers. Satan is upset and yells,
"But how?!
I lost everything yet Jesus' program is intact!!! How did he do it?"
God chuckled and says, "Jesus saves."



Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business
trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife,
Jennifer.
Unfortunately, he mistyped the address and the e-mail ended up
going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the widow of a recently deceased minister.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When her family finally revived her and asked her what had happened, she
nervously pointed to
the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here.

 

Here is a Diet that is guaranteed to work, if you follow the directions
very carefully!

******************************

There's a new pasta diet - Just walk pasta bakery without stopping, walk
pasta candy store without stopping, walk pasta ice cream store without
stopping ....

****************

AND,---you can Inhale as much as you please!.

 

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~=~

HEY !!! Cheer up...

* The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.

* They say the house didn't float very far away at all.

* Well, at least the operation was a partial success.

* The "National Enquirer" just loved thoses shots of you.

* The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.

* With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal.

* At least the passenger side air bag inflated.

* Jenny Jones wants you for this "secret admirer show".

* The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

* At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.

* The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.

* Tech Support said those errors just aren't possible.

':-:':-:':-:':-:':-:':-:':-:':-:':-:':-:'

"ctrl and alt delete"

Don't you wish when life is bad
and things just don't compute
that all we really had to do
was stop and hit reboot?

Things would all turn out ok
life could be so sweet
if we had those special keys
ctrl and alt delete

Your boss is mad, your bills not paid,
your wife, well she's just mute.
Just stop and hit those wonderful keys
that make it all reboot.

You'd like to have another job
you fear living in the street?
You solve it all and start anew
ctrl and alt delete.

*:~:*:~:*:~:*:~:*:~:*:~:*:~:*:~:*:~:*:~:*
Something to think about:
You can tell it's going to be a rotten day when you put your shirt on
backward and it fits better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

THE SECRET OF ANTIGRAVITY...
----------------------------------

If you drop a buttered piece of bread, it will fall on the floor
butter-side down. If a cat is dropped from a window or other high
and towering place, it will land on its feet.

But what if you attach a buttered piece of bread, butter-side up, to
a cat's back and toss them both out the window? Will the cat land on
its feet? Or will the butter splat on the ground?

- ------------------------------------------------------------

Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself, you should
be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology
demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict
laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash its
furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would
have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not
fall.

That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can
get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat
will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of
cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This
equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the
butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs,
allowing descent.

Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this
principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The
loud humming heard by most sighters of UFOs is, in fact, the purring
of several hundred tabbies.

The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the
bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the
cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much
good, since right after they make their graceful landing several
tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

And now a few words on solving the problem of creating a ship using
the aforementioned anti-gravity device.

One could power a ship by means of cats held in suspended animation
(say, about -190 degrees Celsius) with buttered bread strapped to
their backs, thus avoiding the possibility of collisions due to
tempermental felines. More importantly, how do you steer, once the
cats are all held in stasis?

I offer a modest proposal:

We all know that wearing a white shirt at an Italian restaurant is a
guaranteed way to take a trip to the laudromat. Plaster the outside
of your ship with white shirts. Place four nozzles symmetrically
around the ship, which is, of course, saucer shaped. Fire tomato
sauce out in proportion to the directions you want to go. The ship,
drawn by the shirts, will automatically follow the sauce. If you
use t-shirts, you won't go as fast as you would by using, say,
expensive dress shirts. This does not work as well in deep gravity
wells, since the tomato sauce (now falling down a black hole,
perhaps) will drag the ship with it, despite the counter force of
the anti-gravity cat/butter machine. Your only hope at that point
is to jettison enormous quantities of Tide. This will create the
well-known Gravitational Tidal Force.

______________________________________________________________
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of
vitamins, exercise, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I
found out the *real* reason;

I'm tired because I'm overworked. Let me explain...

* The population of the United Stated is 239 million. 106 million
are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

* There are 83 million who are underage or still in school, and 30
people who are still working on their PhD's since the 50's, which
leave 49.99997 million to do the work.

* Four million, four hundred ninety nine thousand, nine hundred
seventy are in the Armed Forces, which leaves forty five and a
half million to do the work.

* Of this there are 29.4 million employed by the federal
government. This leaves 18.5 million to do the work. Half that
many work for State and City Governments, and leaving 1,400,000
to do the work.

* Now, there are 895,798 people in prisons, so that leaves 504,202
to do the work.

* There are 504,200 people being treated in hospitals, at doctor
appointments, or on sick leave today. That leaves just two
people to do the work.

* You and me.

And you're sitting there playing around on email.
________________________________________________________________
Continue On

A woman once fretted over the usefulness of her life.
She feared she was wasting her potential being a devoted wife
and mother. She wondered if the time and energy she invested
in her husband and children would make a difference.
~
At times she got discouraged because so much of what she did
seemed to go unnoticed and unappreciated.
"Is it worth it?" she often wondered. "Is there something better
that I could be doing with my time?"
~
It was during one of those moments of questioning that she heard
the still small voice of her heavenly Father speak to her heart.
"You are a wife and mother because that is what I have called you to be.
Much of what you do is hidden from the public eye. But I notice.
Most of what you give is done without remuneration.
But I am your reward.
~
Your husband cannot be the man I have called him to be
without your support. Your influence upon him is greater than
you think and more powerful than you will ever know.
I bless him through your service and honor him through your
love. Your children are precious to Me. Even more precious than
they are to you. I have entrusted them to your care
to raise for me. What you invest in them is an offering to Me.
~
You may never be in the public spotlight. But your obedience
shines as a bright light before Me. Continue on.
Remember you are my servant. Do all to please Me."

Rough Seas


A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for
the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking
without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's
owner Dr. Gold and its steward Benny. Although the sea
was very rough, still they managed to swim to the closest island.

After reaching the deserted strip of land, the steward was crying
and very upset that they would never be found. The other man
was quite calm, relaxing against a tree.

"Dr. Gold, Dr. Gold, how can you be so calm?" cried the distraught
Benny. "We're going to die on this lonely island. No one will
ever find us here."

"Sit down and listen to what I have to say, Benny," began
the confident Dr. Gold. "Five years ago I gave the United Way
$500,000. and another $500,000. to the United Jewish Appeal.
I donated the same amounts four years ago. And, three years
ago, since I did very well in the stock market, I contributed
$750,000. to each. Last year business was good, so the two
charities each got a million dollars."

"So what?" shouted Benny.

"Well, it's time for their annual fund drive. I KNOW they'll
find me," smiled Dr. Gold.

************************************************************
The Wave


A giant wave swooshed onto the shore and swept little Moishele into the
ocean. Mrs. Apple went crazy and cried out, "G-d, oh G-d! I know that we
dont go to shul that often and are often late getting there and I am
really sorry. But please give us back our little boy Please, please dear
G-d!"

Suddenly, a miracle occurs as yet another wave sweeps little Moishele ba=
ck
to shore.

His mother rushed up and grabbed her son and wrapped him in towels to dr=
y
him off, and then she held her hands up to the blue sky.

"So G-d," she said, "Where his hat?"

Speeding

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers,
a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He think
to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he
turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies - two
in the front seat and three in the back - wide eyed and white as
ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! @hat seems to be the
problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No, sire, I was doing the speed limit
exactly....Twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit
proudly.

The State Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her
that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for
pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this
car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a
single peep this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route
119."

Mel wrote:

Supermarket manager: Aren't you the same boy who applied for this job a
month ago?
Boy: That's right, sir.
Supermarket manager: Didn't I tell you I wanted an older boy?
Boy: Yes, sir. That's why I've come back now.

$#$#$ $#$#$ $#$#$

I used to lack confidence in my abilities around the office ... until I
realized I was just as capable as any of my co-workers ... now I lack
confidence in the company!

+:*4`;{@}+ 4`*:;'+*4`;{@}+4`*:;

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he
decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.

~$~ ~$~ ~$~

Employee: You'll have to give me a raise, Sir. There are three companies
after me.
Boss: What three companies?
Employee: The Electric Company, the Phone Company, and the Water company.

+ $'0$0'$ ; $'0$0'$ + $'0$0'$ ;

Signs of the Times!
-------------------------
IN A LAUNDROMAT:
Automatic washing machines.
Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:
Bargain Basement Upstairs

IN AN OFFICE:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back
or
further steps will be taken.

ON A CHURCH DOOR:
This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door.
(This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance)

OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP:
We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANER'S WINDOW:
Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed
of.

IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW:
Closed due to illness.

SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK:
Elephants Please Stay In Your Car

NOTICE IN A FIELD:
The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull
charges.

ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR:
We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't
work)

SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK:
Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

$$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$ $$$$

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire
planet Earth taken from space.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
-- The Last Laugh --

$*-.,,.-**-.,,.-*$*-.,,.-*$*-.,,.-**-.,,.-*$

YOU KNOW YOU ARE OVER THE HILL WHEN...

You're sitting on a park bench and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross
your legs.

You discover that your measurements are now small, medium and large ....In
that order.

You light the candles on your birthday cake and a group of campers form a
circle and start singing Kumbaya. (and roasting marshmallows!)

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You start video taping daytime game shows

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone
through labor to make love again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to
order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children
the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of
financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby
doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're
mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children
are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising
them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a
dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is
still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as
long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older
siblings.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small
bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier
by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing
on it.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing
Superman pajamas.

TWO MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns
red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house

THE PIANO

Wishing to encourage her young son's progress on the
piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski concert.
After they were seated, the mother spotted a friend in
the audience and walked down the aisle to greet her.
Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders of the
concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually explored
his way through a door marked "NO ADMITTANCE."
When the houselights dimmed and the concert was
about to begin, the mother returned to her seat and
discovered that the child was missing. Suddenly,
the curtains parted and spotlights focused on
the impressive Steinway on stage. In horror, the
mother saw her little boy sitting at the keyboard,
innocently picking out "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
At that moment, the great piano master made his
entrance, quickly moved to the piano, and whispered
in the boy's ear, "Don't quit. Keep playing." Then
leaning over, Paderewski reached down with his left
hand and began filling in a bass part. Soon his
right arm reached around to the other side of the
child and he added a running obbligato. Together,
the old master and the young novice transformed a
frightening situation into a wonderfully creative
experience. And the audience was mesmerized.
Whatever our situation in life and history-however
outrageous, however desperate, whatever dry spell
of the spirit, whatever dark night of the soul-
God is whispering deep within our beings, "Don't
quit. Keep playing. You are not alone, Together
we will transform the broken patterns into a
masterwork of my creative art. Together, we
will mesmerize the world with our song of peace."


The T.V. Repairman and the Housewife

The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman
couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in the
room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint looking at
her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to make a
. . . well . . . unusual request. But you have to first promise me
you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's kind
of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband is a kind,
decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical weakness. A
certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and you're a man . . . "

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came in the
door . . ."

"Yes yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"


CARS

* Hopefully, the price of new cars has peaked. Good thing too. I
mean most dealers have a showroom and a recovery room as it is.
- - - - -

* For an auto mechanic, frustration is having a pound of grease on
both hands and no upholstery to wipe them on.
- - - - -

* I think a lot of trouble with the new cars is the bucket seats --
not everyone has the same size bucket.
- - - - -

* You can tell the Japanese economy is suffering just by their
new cars. My neighbor bought one. The first time he washed it,
it shrunk from midsize to compact.
- - - - -

* My neighbor bought the car in the first place because of the
huge rebates offered. The car's pretty smooth, but the rebate
check keeps bouncing.
- - - - -

* You can often get a good price on a car with one of those "Take
over the payments" ads you see in the newspapers. Only problem
is most of them are 1980's models.
- - - - -

* I guess the biggest problem I face with both my Mazda and Mrs
JimJr aging is getting the car started in the morning, and her
started at nite.
- - - - -

* I don't see the sense of increasing horsepower and top speed in
the new cars with traffic the way it is. The other week on an
Interstate highway, I had to leave the car twice to make payments.


A man was walking home alone one night when he hears a
"BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he
looks back, making out an image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street towards
him..."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..." The man begins to run
towards his home, and the coffin bounces after him
faster...faster...BUMPBUMPBUMP. He runs up to his door,
fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks
it behind him. The coffin crashes through his door, with
the lid of the coffin clapping BUMP BUMP BUMP on the heals
of the terrified man. The man rushes upstairs to the
bathroom and locks himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH,
the coffin breaks down the door, coming slowly towards him,
the man screaming, reaches for something, anything...all he
can find is a box of cough drops which he throws at the coffin...and
the coffin stops.


Many of the gentile persuasion in the Salt Lake City area have taken to
calling members of "the" church "Mo's". OK, the truth is that being
called
a Mo isn't so bad. While it's not exactly a term of endearment, Mo beats
some of the other things I've been called- lots of them by fellow Mo's ..
especially during church basketball games! To ease the tension, between
Mos and gentiles, I've come up with a brief Mo Lexicon. Practice these
terms, learn to be comfortable with your Moism.

MO - Mormon
NO MO - Non-Mormon
NO MO' MO - Ex-Mormon
MO NOPOLY - Utah
MO TOWN - Provo
MO PEDS - People walking across the street to Temple Square or the MTC in
Provo.
MO HAIR - Missionary standards haircut.
PO MO - A financially challenged Mormon
MO LASSES - Mormon Babes!!
MO TEL - Bishop's interview, tithing settlement, church court, etc.
SU MO - Grad of BYU Law School
MO GUL - Large white Utah bird frequently seen in Church history books,
parking lots and dumps.
MO RALLY - Third quarter BYU drive against the U of U.
MO SEY - LDS sense of time. See also LOCO MO TION.
LOCO MO TION - Post-game exodus from Cougar Stadium.
MO NOGOMY - LDS marriage practices.
MO TIF - Two or more Mormons engaged in a heated difference of opinion.
MO MENT - What LDS church officials intended to say, regardless of
what they actually said.
MO LD - Older LDS member, temple worker, etc.

Try this on your computer:
1. Open Microsoft Word
2. Type the following ... "I'd like Bill Clinton to resign"
3. Highlight that text
4. and then press "Shift" and the "F7" at the same time
5. Notice what the Thesaurus recommends as replacement text.

Do you think the Dept. of Justice will drop the case against Microsoft
when they see this?!?

This is a reminder of how important communication and perception can be:

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to
leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish
community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate
with a member of the Jewish community; if the Jew won, the Jews could
stay; if the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a
middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one
addition to the debate.

To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk.
The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite
each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and
showed three fingers.

Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his
fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground
where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an
apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good.
The Jews can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what
happened.

The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the
Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there
was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger
around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by
pointing to the ground and showing that god was also right here with
us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that god absolves us
from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin.

He had an answer for everything! What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What
happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days
to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he
told me
that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we
were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.

"I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine


Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor
of the
slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind
of
story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were
perfect,
12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell
me
when we're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was
in
dire need of a restroom, He told her not to worry, that he was sure
there
was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder
room
for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the
pain did
not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you,
then
you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters.
So,
with time running out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested
that
since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in
the
woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will
provide
more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line,
began
disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on
the
side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way
to set
your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them
positioned
the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.
Without
warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control,
racing
through the trees, somehow missing all of them and into another
slope.
Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down
around
her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an
unusual
vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that
verb
loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a
pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up
her ski
pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her
nudie
show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski
patrol,
who transported her to a hospital. In the emergency room she was
regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the
bed next
to hers.

"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up
this
ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this
crazy
woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare
bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her
knees. I
leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how
far I'd
moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So how'd you break your arm?"


Who stole my hoss?

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink.
Unfortunately,
the
locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he
finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He goes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it
above
his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.

"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising
forcefulness.

No one answered.

"ALRIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE
BY
THE
TIME I FINNISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO
HAVE
TO
DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles-up
and
starts to ride out of town.

The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say partner, before you
go...
what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."


Here's a good one for you: President Clinton walks down off of Air Force-One with a pig under each arm. As he gets to the bottom step a Marine snaps to attention and says, "Fine pigs, sir" Clinton replies, "They are not pigs, they are Arkansas Razorbacks, I got them for Hilary and Chelsey" The marine replies, "Fine trade sir, fine trade..."


A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen And This Kitchen Is Delirious.

No Husband Has Ever Been Shot While Doing The Dishes.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The
Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.

A Clean House Is A Sign Of A Misspent Life.

Help Keep the Kitchen Clean - Eat Out.

Housework Done Properly Can Kill You.

Countless Numbers Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone
On To Lead Normal Lives.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.



This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the
newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation
Board. So here, thanks to John Sedgwick, is this Bricklayer's report.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information
in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as
the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I
trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my
work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later
were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by
hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was
attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the
barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs.
of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my
weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to
say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed
in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley
which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately
by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold
tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now
beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the
weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.

I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid
descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two
fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and
lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks,
in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories
above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go
of the rope.